Lies and Lovers
by The World of My Creation
Summary: A very Modern/AU N&S. Margaret Hale used to date Henry Lennox. That is until he broke her heart years ago. Now that their relatives are marrying each other and Henry is bringing his fiancee, Margaret needs a faux date pronto! Maybe her best friend?
1. Chapter 1: Lies

Lies and Lovers

(A very Modern/AU "North and South")

Chapter 1: Lies

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own "North and South"_

I let out a sigh as I stared out the window of the plane. Below me I could see the lights of Los Angeles spread out for miles around. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed this place.

"Happy to be home?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah," I said, smiling faintly at John Thornton before I continued to scribble on a piece of paper that I had abandoned when I saw the lights of LA.

Reasons Why This Won't Work

1. He's your friend and not your lover.

2_. HE_ will notice that he's my friend and not my lover.

3. Everyone will notice that he's my friend and not my lover.

4. I'm a bad liar.

5. Friends shouldn't date.

I crossed out the last line. We weren't really _dating_. It was all-pretend.

Just as long as no one demanded that we kiss in front of them, everything would be fine.

Not that I didn't want to kiss him, he was a good-looking guy, John was.

But we didn't like each other that way.

The plane soon landed, and together we made our way to baggage claim.

"I think I should go find where I can pick up the rental car, eh?" John shrugged as we wheeled our luggage around.

"Yeah, good idea," I said, before slipping back into my thoughts.

Now that the plane had landed I didn't know how I could have possibly thought this would be a good idea.

***

"Can you believe that I'm actually getting married?"

I smiled as I balanced my phone between my shoulder and my ear as I grabbed a few garments out of the washing machine.

"Like I said Edi, I can quite believe it. Maybe it's you who can't believe it," I said as I moved my clothes into the dryer.

"I'm so happy!" I moved the phone away from my ear as soon as I had my hands free. My cousin had the tendency of screaming into the phone when she was happy or excited.

"I'm sure you are," I said, getting bored of the conversation. Edith had called me at least everyday for the past month to remind me about the wedding now that the save-the-date's had been mailed.

"I can't wait until you get here! One more month! But you have to get here three days before, being a bridesmaid and all. I wish you could have been maid of honor though, but Ryan wanted his sister to be it, and you know I can't refuse him anything."

"Of course you can't, and you have only told me all of this at least a hundred times," I said. I was more than happy to cede the maid-of-honor position to Ryan and Henry's younger sister, Julia. But somehow Edith had still managed to make me a bridesmaid.

"Oh, and Margaret, you know Henry is going to be there."

"That's completely fine by me," I said, forcing my voice to sound indifferent. How could I not know? Henry was Ryan's brother after all, not to mention that he was going to be best man.

"Right, but just in case, can you guys try not to get into an argument? I mean, it's my wedding and I want it to be special."

"Edi, you know I wouldn't do that to you. Besides, I'm over Henry, completely and utterly," I said, but inside I wasn't so sure. I mean we had dated for so long, and as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I loved him. Still.

"Whatever you say Margaret, just make sure that if you decide to bitch-slap his fiancée do it after the wedding."

"Fiancée?" I gasped incredulously, almost losing my grip on my phone. I stood there, mouth open, frozen by my cousin's words.

"Oh Margaret, I thought you knew!" And just like that I felt the world come crashing down around me.

"Hey can I call you later Edi? I have to go," I needed time to think.

Henry's fiancée?

Since when?

"Sure, will you be okay?"

"Yes. Oh and can I bring someone? He's kind of special to me, and I wanted him to meet my parents," I said impulsively, the words slipping out of my mouth before I realized what I had said.

"Margaret! Of course you can! I can't wait to meet him! Bye sweetie!" and with that Edith hung up. I wished I could take it back, but it was too late, the damage was done.

I flipped my phone closed and slid down the wall I had been leaning against, leaning my forehead on my knees while I hugged them close. I could almost cry.

Henry, my Henry—well not really, we had been apart for three years and hadn't spoken to each other since—was engaged.

How was it possible that he managed to move on so quickly, and yet here I still was, moping over something that obviously no longer was.

Or maybe it had never existed?

And why did I have to lie to Edith?

As it was, I didn't have anyone to meet that description. In fact, I hadn't had anyone since I broke up with Henry almost three years ago. Sure there were flings, but no connection.

Now I only had one month to find someone to bring along to the wedding and pretend to be in love with said person. And make them pretend to love me back.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Did I seriously think that Henry was going to break his engagement off when he saw me again?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

I was hopeless.

This wasn't some sort of fairytale where lovers reunited would drop everything and get back together.

Henry had dumped me.

Plain and simple.

He had taken my heart and shattered it like glass.

So why was it that I still held onto him?

"Are you okay? Mags, hello?"

My head shot up, and I found myself staring into the greenest eyes.

"What do you want John?" I narrowed my eyes at my roommate's older brother and one of my best friends. I think we were closer than even him and his own sister, he was always there to lend an ear when I needed him.

But I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

Besides, I hadn't ever really told anyone about the whole Henry issue.

When I had moved away for college I had thought of leaving it all behind.

I had ignored it and now it was biting me in the ass.

"I want to know what's bothering you,' he said seriously.

"I'd rather not talk about it at the moment if you don't mind," I said, bringing my forehead back to my knees.

"That bad huh?"

"You have no idea," I mumbled.

I'm in love with a bastard who could care less about me.

"Well you know where to find me," he said as he got up and patted my head before he picked up his laundry that had paid to be washed and walked out the door.

"Wait!" I clambered up from my spot and ran after John, who was loading his car with his laundry.

"What's up?" he smiled at me, leaning against his car, putting his sunglasses on and crossing his arms.

If he hadn't been like an older brother to me, I would have surely been all over him long ago.

Plenty of other girls were, even if he hardly paid attention to them. Which always amazed me. Any other guy would have laid all of them in a second.

I mean he was tall, well built but not over the top, a nice smile, and he had the greenest eyes.

Not to mention his great sense of humor.

Yes, he would do just fine.

"I need a favor."

***

"Remind me why I'm doing this?"

"I'm washing your laundry for a year. Now just try to remember everything I told you," I said, tying his tie for him (men are hopeless) before smoothing my dress out once more.

Relax, Margaret, you can do this girl.

I tried to cheer myself on.

Frankly, it wasn't quite working.

"Right. We've been dating for seven months now and we met…" John said, trying to loosen his tie a bit.

"In the library. You were helping me reach a book on the top shelf. Now leave your tie alone, you look fine," I glared at him as we made our way across the parking lot to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet Edith, Edith's fiancée, and the rest of the family.

"Why can't we just use the way we really met? Personally I think that meeting at a frat party seems much more interesting than a library," he smiled.

"Oh yeah, because my parents really want to hear that I beat you at beer pong," I rolled my eyes but smiled nonetheless.

I had to admit, it had been a fun night.

Three years ago and I still liked to get John with it.

"Hey, I let you win that one. I was being a gentleman, you know," his grin widened.

"Uh-huh, sure, believe whatever you want."

"I did let you win, besides, that was my fifth game of the night, and I had won all the other ones."

"That's why Francine and I had to let you stay at our place that night."

"I just wanted to watch out for my little sister and her friend, you know, make sure no drunk person came to the door and tried to—"

"You were so drunk you didn't even remember where you lived! You couldn't even walk!" I cut him off. His ego was too big already.

"Alright, alright, maybe I was a little tipsy," he joked, and I smacked him on his arm playfully.

Understatement of the year!

"See, how are we supposed to use that story when you can't even keep your facts straight," I said, as we finally reached the restaurant where everyone awaited us.

I felt like turning back, there was a knot in my stomach and I was sure I would do something really stupid.

Or throw up.

It wasn't a good feeling.

But I couldn't back down now.

"I was just messing with you. Don't even worry about this, we got it," he smiled and held his arm out for me like a true gentleman.

I let out a deep breath, and took his arm.

This was it, either now or never.

**A/N: **So tell me what you think. Should I continue this? Constructive criticism is appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2: Taste of Revenge

**Disclaimer: **I do not own North and South

**Chapter 2: Taste of Revenge**

"Margaret!"

I cringed as my cousin came running over to me and squeezed me in a hug, my arm still hanging onto John.

"Edith, how are you," I said as she released me, but she was staring at John.

Well, here goes, judgment numbah one.

"Why hello there. If I wasn't about to get married and you weren't dating my cousin, I would totally—"

Total pass.

"Edith this is John," I cut Edith off before she made a fool of herself or me.

Seriously, how could such a nice guy like Ryan want to marry my cousin?

She could border on annoying most days.

Or overly flirty.

But she was my cousin, and apparently he loved whatever he saw in her.

And I was cool with that.

"Nice to meet you Edith," John smiled his amazing smile at Edith before extending his hand for her to shake.

"The pleasure is all mine," Edith smiled back, before grabbing my free arm. "Follow me."

She grabbed my arm tightly and steered me towards the back of the restaurant.

I only looked at John, who just smiled and followed. He looked quite amused.

"My gosh, Margaret, you didn't tell me he was gorgeous!" she whispered into my ear.

"Might have slipped my mind," I laughed nervously.

"Right, whatever."

And then I saw _him_.

He was sitting with his _fiancée_, who had her back to me.

Damn it, why couldn't I see her face.

I secretly hoped that she was ugly.

I grabbed onto John, and smiled.

I couldn't let Henry faze me.

"Margaret is here!" Edith took a seat next to Ryan who waved.

"My Margaret, oh honey I missed you so much," my mom came up to me and hugged me.

"Good to have you home dear," my much calmer father hugged me.

"It's good to be home," I said into my dad's shirt.

I had missed my parents the past few months as usual.

But now the fall quarter was over and we would be here for the next three weeks.

My aunt stayed in her seat, along with Ryan's parents, and Julia, and Henry and his yet nameless fiancée.

"Oh, um, this is John, John Thornton," I said, almost forgetting about John until he let out a small cough.

I glanced slightly at Henry, and was happy to see that he looked rather shocked to see me with John.

Especially considering that Henry was only about half as good looking as John.

Of course, appearances aren't everything, but they didn't hurt either.

And John just made anyone look bad.

"John, how handsome," my mother extended a hand out for him.

So far so good.

I smiled evilly.

It had been a good idea to bring John.

"Nice to meet you too Mrs. Hale," John said politely.

He had such good manners, despite his tendency to party like there was no tomorrow.

"Your seats are over here," my aunt said, and I groaned inwardly.

Why did they have to put us next to them?

I stood there, until John placed a hand on my lower back and led us to our seats.

I was a bit surprised by this gesture, and when he moved his hand, my skin under my dress had goose bumps.

Luckily he sat next between Henry's fiancée and me.

Henry was a little farther away too.

While John pulled out a chair for me, my eyes locked with Henry's for an instance.

And I blushed and turned away quickly, hoping that he hadn't noticed it.

Damn! Why did he still have that affect on me?

And then she turned and faced me.

Why did she have to be pretty?

Luckily we were spared making small talk right away because the menu's arrived.

At least this would give me a moment to think of what I could say.

Once the waiter's went away with our orders and the wine was brought, the questions started.

"So, John, how did you two meet?" Ryan, who was seated right across from me, asked.

I glanced at John before taking a giant sip of my glass of red wine, which is supposed to be good for you, in moderate amounts of course.

"The school library," he said, as coolly and calmly as anyone telling the truth could have said it.

If only I was like you John.

"Typical Margaret," Henry threw in from his corner at the end of the table.

Typical?

You don't know me anymore Henry!

But I laughed anyway.

"Yup, that's me for you," I took another drink from my glass.

"You don't look like the study type," No-name chimed in, smiling sweetly at John.

I glared daggers at her, but she didn't see me.

Get off my man bitch!

I mean, get off my best friend!

John wasn't mine.

"Let's just say I followed her in there. It's not everyday you get to see a girl as hot as Mags here," John answered, taking a small sip from his glass. I had warned him to stay away from the liquor for at least tonight.

If only I could follow my own advice.

I had the waiter fill my glass up again.

Wait, had John called me _hot_?

Uh hello? Since when?

"That's so sweet," Julia spoke, she was smiling dreamily at John, who to my surprise was smiling back at her.

John, you're supposed to be my date!

I coughed, and he turned back at me. I just smiled.

Sleek, Margaret, sleek.

"So, um. Henry, how long have you been engaged to…" I began.

I should have asked her name, now I was making myself look bad.

"Jane," Jane said.

Meet Jane.

See Jane run.

"Sorry for not introducing both of you," Henry said.

Good, so at least I wasn't the only one messing up here.

"It's fine Henry, I think we all forgot about the introductions," Jane saved his ass nicely before she answered my question. "One month, but we've been living together for almost a year now."

A year?!

Living. Together. For a year.

That hurt.

So I finished up my glass once more before I answered.

"That's so sweet," I mocked her last answer, and John gave me a strange look. Luckily she didn't notice my sarcasm.

Okay, so maybe I hadn't been completely honest with John as to why I had wanted him to come with me.

He had been a little wary when I said that I just didn't want to go stag, and that I just wanted him to go as my pretend date so that my family didn't think I was a complete loser.

Nothing big.

He had said no at first.

But when I had told him that I would do his laundry for a year, he was more than happy to join me.

***

By the end of dinner, I couldn't count how many glasses of wine I had drunk.

But the fresh air outside was helping as we walked towards our cars.

Henry and Jane had already walked off.

"So, where are you two staying?" Edith asked as I leaned against John, feeling slightly tipsy.

"A hotel, Holiday Inn," I managed to get out.

"Oh, you can't stay there! There is more than enough room at our house. You can stay in the guest room," Edith smiled.

"Oh, but we're paying for the hotel already," John said nervously.

We had gotten separate rooms in the hotel, and there was no way we were going to share one guest room, let alone one guest bed.

"Don't worry about that. Ryan can pay for the while you were supposed to stay there."

"We can't do that," I said.

Really, we can't!

"I insist," Ryan said, coming to Edith's side.

***

And that is how I was sitting on the couch, at my aunt's house, with John at my side, watching Henry holding hands with Jane as he whispered into her ear I don't know what.

I sighed, the air had sobered me up some but I was still sleepy. Edith and Ryan where in the kitchen getting popcorn so we could watch "The Office" but I didn't know how long I could stay in there.

Hearing Jane giggle just set me off.

I got up and walked out of the room.

"Wait, Margaret, where are you going?" John asked as I finally stopped outside in the backyard where the wedding reception was going to be.

"I just couldn't stay in that room any longer," I said through clenched teeth before I sat on the steps.

"Is it because of Henry and Jane?" he asked.

Damn him! Why was he so good at reading me?

I nodded, feeling that if I spoke I might just start crying.

"How long?"

I was surprised.

"How long what?" I sounded angry, but John understood that it wasn't meant at him.

"How long did you date Henry?"

I sighed. The moment of truth had finally come.

"Come on Margaret, you have to tell me or I'll book the next flight back to Sacramento."

He was serious, too.

Here goes.

"Five years."

He let out a low whistle.

"I know right? Freakin' high school sweethearts plus one."

"So why did he break up with you?"

"College. We were both going to completely different parts and he didn't want to 'hold me back.' Fucking liar. He just wanted to be able to go out with more girls and not feel guilty."

I looked at John out of the corner of my eye to see his expression.

He looked serious, deep in thought. And I could see the five o'clock shadow on his face which was glowing in the moonlight.

I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.

Maybe that I was a bitch who just had to move on when her ex had apparently done so?

"Do you still have feelings for him?" he spoke after a few moments silence.

"I hate myself for it," I buried my face in my hands, somehow it sounded even more stupid when I said it out loud.

"Is that why you wanted me here?"

Shoot.

I should have known that John was going to take it the wrong way.

"I'm sorry. I was being a selfish bitch. If you want to go you can, I doubt Henry notices me anyway."

Now I had just lost my best friend too.

Great.

"Are you kidding me? As much as I think that you should get over him, I have to help you get your revenge. Show him what he's missing out on, make him regret the day that he broke up with you and asked Jane to marry him."

That was not what I was expecting.

So I hugged him.

It took him a moment to recover before he hugged me back.

"Oh, I'm sorry were we interrupting something?" I heard Jane's voice before I saw her.

Henry was holding her hand and was just staring at John who had his arms still wrapped around me.

"No. We were just going back inside," John held my hand as he led me back inside.

And I couldn't help but feel a little giddy as we walked past Henry.

I could almost taste the revenge.

**A/N: So tell me what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3: Let the Show Begin

**A/N: **Thank you everyone who has reviewed thus far, especially those of you who I can't reply back to. And thank you also for adding this story to your Story Alert of who have added this as a Favorite Story. It really means a lot to me, but I would also appreciate it if you left me a review.

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

**Chapter 3: Let the Show Begin**

"So I guess Jane and Henry found you two," Edith smiled mischievously from her spot on the couch, the bowl of popcorn in her lap.

I wonder where Ryan was?

"So they did," John replied before he sat on the couch and, to my surprise, brought me into his arms to sit on the couch.

If Henry had not been walking into the room at that moment I would have sat on the other end of the couch, but as he was, I let John wrap his arms around me. I, of course, wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest to complete the effect.

Edith smiled from her spot, and I was sure Henry was seething with jealousy. Or at least I certainly hoped he was.

I couldn't help but close my eyes as I buried my face into John's chest. Damn, John smelled so good, and his chest made a comfortable pillow.

And I felt more comfortable than I had in a long time.

I was so comfortable (I blame the red wine) that I fell asleep. In my best friend's arms.

***

"Mags, wake up."

I felt a sharp jab in my ribs.

"What the fuck was that for?"

"Your drunk ass fell asleep," so much for comfortable.

"Oh, sorry," I said as I wiped away the drool from my mouth and blushed.

There was a small dark spot on his shirt. Shit. I looked away, but John must have noticed the guilt on my face because he looked down and saw what my drool had done.

Could I be any more embarrassed?

"Good thing you're doing my laundry for the next year huh?" John smiled smugly.

"Oh shut up," I said before I noticed that everyone else was gone and the TV was turned off. "Where did everyone else go?"

"Bed," he shrugged.

"Why didn't you wake me?" and save me from the embarrassing situation of drooling on your shirt.

"You were sleeping like an angel," he said, stroking my hair. My heart skipped a beat, the way he was looking at me was unsettling.

And then he started laughing.

"Asshole," I muttered before getting off the couch and heading towards our room.

"So how are we doing this whole sleeping situation?" he shuffled his feet nervously as he closed the door behind us.

"There are blankets in the closet," I said before grabbing my bag and going into the bathroom to change.

I opened my bag and groaned. Why had I packed _that_ chemise? The one with the frilly trim that was _almost_ see through. I emphasize the _almost_ because I am not that kind of girl.

Because I hadn't planned on sharing a room with John and it wasn't like anyone was going to see it.

So what else could I do? Nothing. I sucked it up and put on my chemise and my boy shorts, which were pretty decent.

I stepped out of the bathroom and when John saw me he only raised an eyebrow.

"Oh shut up!" I couldn't help but blush.

"I didn't say anything," he raised his hands in mock surrender, smiling the whole time. He had obviously taken advantage of the whole time I spent in the bathroom to change himself. He was wearing a white cotton shirt and his boxers, nothing I hadn't seen before, especially after all those times he had crashed on the couch at my place after a late night of partying and drinking.

"Right," I climbed into the bed, leaving him to get into his own sleeping arrangement he had on the floor. I had to admit, I felt bad about making him come with me and having him sleep on the floor.

"Mags," he said from his place on the floor just as I was about to fall asleep, drink and sleep finally taking its toll on me.

"Hmm?" I was sleepy, hardly paying attention to his words.

"Are you only washing my laundry, or will you also be getting that shirt dry-cleaned?"

Any guilt I had about him sleeping on the floor was completely driven away by that question.

"Good night John," I buried my head underneath the pillow.

"Sweet dreams."

***

He was kissing my lips, his kisses growing urgent, begging for more. He traced kisses down my neck, stopping a moment to pay proper tribute to that delicate spot right below my ear before continuing down. His hands mimicked his kisses in urgency, tugging at my chemise and running up and down my spine, but his green eyes had a strange twinkle in them I had never noticed before. It all felt so good, so… so like a dream?

I opened my eyes only to find myself all alone in the double bed, staring at the ceiling. I leaned over the bed to find John still asleep, but his shirt had come off at some point in the night. He had an amazing body, and I blushed to recall my dream.

Had I been that wasted to dream about my best friend wanting me? I felt like a hormonal teenager, staring at the small line of hair that ran along John's chest and disappeared somewhere beneath his boxers.

"Take a picture it'll last longer," John smiled sleepily.

I was terrified to have been caught watching him so openly. He might think me a freak now, watching him sleep and all. I know that if I had woken up to find someone watching me sleep I would have filed a restraining order. But that was just me, maybe guys liked to be checked out in their sleep? Not that I was checking John out or anything, I was glaring at him really.

"Ha ha ha," I threw a pillow at him before running into the bathroom to change.

"So what's the plan for today?" he asked as I applied my make-up, taking extra care of not smearing anything.

"Edith told me something about going shopping, just us girls."

"I'm guessing that I'm going to have to spend time with the guys then, eh?" he said, and I could hear the nervousness in his voice.

"Don't worry, they won't find out anything. If anything, I'm sure that I'm the one going to be questioned to death," I said, suddenly nervous myself.

Would they be able to tell? Hopefully not, not after I actually slept, no napped, in John's arms on the couch last night. They had no reason to suspect anything.

"Right," he stuffed his hands into his pockets, before we headed downstairs for breakfast.

"So I was thinking that we could head out to The Grove first, and then go to the 3rd Street Promenade after that where we can have the guys meet us for lunch," Edith was talking to Julia as we walked into the dining room. Ryan was in the kitchen cooking up some omelets and Henry and Jane were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they hadn't decided to join us for breakfast; I wondered where they were staying?

"Good morning Margaret," Julia greeted me, before turning to John, batting her eyelashes at him before saying in a voice that sounded disgustingly seductive, "Good morning John."

"Good morning Julia," I answered for both of us, taking grab of John's arm and sitting him as far from Julia as the table allowed.

Breakfast was boring to say the most part, except of course when Julia knocked over her orange juice while she was telling a story about I don't know what, but apparently she thought that John would appreciate it.

That girl seriously needed to stop flirting with John. I mean, even if we were only pretend dating, to Julia and everyone else, John and I _were_ an item. And any girl knows not to flirt with another chick's boyfriend because that will only get her into problems.

John and I finished our breakfast quickly, wanting to get run over a few basic points about our "relationship" before going out and braving everyone else.

***

"So it seems that we got everything down," I wrung my hands nervously as we sat on the front garden swing-bench that gave us a small view of the people coming up the driveway while simultaneously allowing them a view of us.

"Seems like it," John nodded, feeling much more reassured, which made me reassured. It was weird how I could give him confidence when I felt none, but him feeling confident would make me confident. It was a strange little cycle.

As I sat contemplating this when I saw Jane and Henry coming up the drive, hand in hand.

"So you don't think that they will notice that we—" John was saying this loud enough that I was sure Henry would hear him.

So I did the only thing that I knew would shut John up while make Henry jealous.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I kissed John.

My lips touched his, and it took him a moment to respond, he was very surprised, but once he got over his initial shock, he began kissing me back.

And let me just say that it wasn't any simple little kiss either. Nope. We were seriously making out, and it felt so right. It seemed that our lips had been made for each other, they fit against each other so well and we could anticipate each other's movements.

I was focusing on how heaven-like John's lips felt that it took me a moment to realize that he had been leaning against me so that my back was pressed against the armrest. One of his hands was pressing me to him, while the other was slowly slipping up my shirt.

It was then that I broke the kiss off abruptly.

We just sat there, immobilized, staring into each other's eyes.

What had we just done?

"Oh Mags, I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me," he looked away, a painful expression on his face.

Sorry? Seriously, sorry? Who apologizes for being the most amazing kisser in the world? I was kind of hurt that he had to apologize to me, was I really that repulsive to him that he had to apologize for kissing me?

Maybe it was me who had to apologize for liking the kiss so much. For somehow thinking that it was above the "little act" we had been playing this whole time. Maybe I was the one who had to apologize for thinking that the kiss could have possibly contained some sort of inexplicable emotion.

But I couldn't let him know that.

"You don't have to apologize for anything John. Henry was coming up the drive with Jane and I was sure he would have overheard us speaking about our little act. By the way, good show. I'm sure anyone watching us would have thought it was real," I said rather detached.

I got up from the bench and headed back inside, John following behind at some distance.

This was going to be a long day.

**A/N:** So tell me what you like, dislike, love, hate, anything really! Please REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4: Use Protection

**A/N: **Thanks to all of you who reviewed! I decided not to do my math hw so I could write this, so be happy. Oh, and BFFF is "best fuckin' friends forever." (no typo) I got it from Pineapple Express, a hilarious movie.

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

**Chapter 4: Use Protection**

"Ok, so we'll see you guys later," Edith grabbed my arm as soon as I walked into the kitchen. "John, the guys are waiting in the kitchen, and I hope you don't mind me stealing Margaret here for a few hours."

We walked past John, who only nodded. I tried to determine what he was feeling, but his face was still as stone.

Julia got into the drivers seat of Edith's car, and Edith got into the front passenger seat. And I had no other choice but to get into the back seat with Jane, who was smiling as big as Edith was.

"Okay, so even though the I already have the bridesmaid dresses, I didn't get the shoes. So that is our mission for today, but I'm sure we'll find a few things along the way," Edith was saying from the front seat, twisting around in her seat to look at Jane and I.

"Oh Edith I am so excited for you. I can't wait until Henry and I start planning our wedding," Jane started laughing, and soon enough Edith started up with her.

Okay, so I hadn't been looking forward to having to spend the day shopping with Edith because I knew what shopping with her was like. Spend a whole hour debating whether or not to buy a dress, then decide not to, only to return an hour later to buy it. She was the queen of indecisive.

As if I hadn't been reluctant already, Jane decides to talk about her own wedding to Henry.

By the time we got to The Grove I was just about ready to kill myself. Two reasons. One from listening to them giggle, and the other having to listen to my ex's fiancée talk about plans for the wedding.

I wonder if Henry told her that we used to date. Or should I tell her. Hey Jane, Henry might have forgotten to mention that we went out for five years and were each other's first everything. I just thought you might want to know, but no awkwardness, right?

I smiled at my own little plan, but I knew that I would never have the guts to tell her. Plus, I was feeling awkward enough on my own, no need to add more wood to the fire that was burning me alive.

Luckily for me, Julia didn't want to have to spend her time listening to Edith and Jane babble about weddings, considering she was single. I decided to keep her company and we jumped onto the double-decker trolley, leaving Edith and Jane at Crate & Barrel so Edith could add a few more things to her wish list. I didn't even know if they would still let her do that.

"It must be so awkward for you," Julia said as we sat at the front of the trolley. I had been staring at the water display in the fountain and was surprised to hear her talk.

"What do you mean?" why were people always so vague when they talked?

"Having to hang out with Jane and all. I mean I know that I would have totally pulled out her hair if I had been going out with Henry for that long, I mean not that I would go out with Henry because he's my brother and that would just be gross. But, I seriously thought that you were going to get married to my brother and have tons of kids, you made such a cute couple," Julia rambled on.

Oh Julia, if you only knew that I used to think the same thing.

In my mind, when I pretended to tell Jane that Henry and I were each other's first, I mean we really were each other's first. First boyfriend/girlfriend, first kiss, first time, first love, first everything.

But what was more, we had known each other since elementary school and had been pretty much best friends. We were there for each other for all the awkwardness of growing up, when I first started growing boobs and when his first voice cracked.

I never knew why he broke up with me though, and it was always there, at the back of my mind, the mystery of why he had broken up with me. I never had the courage to ask him the real reason; I knew the college thing was just plain bullshit. And maybe that's why it was so hard for me to let go.

"What does Henry see in Jane?" I asked all of a sudden. Maybe Jane had something I didn't? Of course we were polar opposites in appearance, whereas I was a brunette with tanned skin and shit-brown eyes, Jane was a pale blonde, with eyes the color of the sky. But I never knew Henry to be one for appearances, or so he had told me.

"What?" Julia asked, with a confused look on her face.

"Why did Henry decide to marry Jane, what makes her so special, I mean he must have not known her for a long time, and yet he decides to marry her?" I asked, anger in my voice.

"That's something only Henry can answer. Plus now he's happy with Jane, and she's really nice. But why do you care? I mean you have John," Julia grinned at the mention of John.

Oh shit, I was just about to blow my cover! Could I be anymore obvious? Going out with a perfect guy like John and asking questions about Henry? Good thing that Julia wasn't the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

"Yeah, I have John," who is consequently my BFFF and the most amazing kisser in the world.

Whoa girl, stop thinking about that. It was nothing. Just lock up that strange little feeling in the pit of your stomach and throw away the key. Somewhere where it can't be found, where it will eventually corrode and turn to dust.

"You're so lucky, I would give anything for the likes of him," Julia gazed off dreamily. And I knew that I would have to get her off John now before she tried anything crazy.

"Hey Julia, I don't want to sound all bitchy and possessive here, but would you mind backing off of John. He's my boyfriend and it's really weird just having you all over him," I smiled sweetly.

"Am I really that obvious?" Julia said nervously.

"N—Yes," I admitted.

"I'm sorry. Look, I wasn't doing it against you or anything, just that John looks delicious and I haven't gotten any in the past three months, so I'm pretty desperate. But I promise I'll back off, sorry, sometimes I just flirt without really knowing it. Sorry though," Julia rambled.

I laughed, and she looked relieved. It was funny to hear someone call John "delicious." And let me tell you, I had heard John being called a lot of things, some being quite explicit. It always amused me though.

"It's okay. And I'm sure you'll find someone eventually. Maybe we can go clubbing later, I haven't danced in so long, and I'm sure John wouldn't mind if we all went," I suggested. I knew that John would be down for some partying, that is if he wanted to talk to me after what happened earlier.

"Sounds fun," Julia smiled widely.

Julia and I had to eventually get off the trolley and we found a nice pair of black heels like Edith wanted us to. And then we met up with both of them in the parking lot; I managed to get into the front passenger seat this time though, while Edith and Jane climbed into the back along with all their shopping bags.

"The promenade, right?" Julia asked just as she turned onto the freeway.

"Yes! Oh we can't wait for lunch, we have the most amazing news!" Edith was practically yelling from the back seat, clutching onto Jane for support, they were both smiling like little fan-girls after the Jonas Brothers, who by the way are not attractive in the least.

"Care to share?" I said, staring at the window. I knew that Edith wanted us to ask, and having her talk was better than having her giggle in the backseat the whole way there.

"Oh, we can't, it's a surprise," Jane giggled from the back. I was seriously getting annoyed with the whole giggling, grow up girls, both of you are fucking engaged and here you are giggling like you were in seventh grade.

"Ah," I mumbled and turned the radio on, putting it loud enough to drown out the sound of Edith and Jane whispering conspiratorially in the backseat. They were going to be good relatives.

I sighed, if Henry and I had gotten married then Edith and I would also be like sisters, not just cousins. It was depressing having to think of what could've been.

***

We met the guys outside California Pizza Kitchen. But because it was lunchtime and there were a lot of people and we were a large party, we had to wait for another half hour.

John looked like he was having fun hanging out with the guys, and I smiled. He caught my eye as we approached, and came over to me to whisper in my ear.

I blushed as I felt his hot breath on my ear, and tried to focus on what he was telling me.

"We need to talk about what happened earlier."

Shit. "What's there to talk about?"

"Mags, please," he looked into my eyes and I couldn't refuse.

"Fine, we can go to the bookstore," I grabbed his arm before turning to Edith, "We'll be right back."

"Sure, just make sure you use protection," Edith winked at me and I couldn't help but blush. Is that what they were all thinking that John and I wanted to go do? Pervs, but was I also one for liking the idea? I mean, no, I didn't like the idea, it would just be funny if John and I were really like that. Wait, no, I should just stop that train of thought.

John just followed me as I walked aimlessly around the store until I found the Fiction Literature section. He didn't say anything until I spotted "Pride and Prejudice" on the top shelf.

"Could you?" I asked weakly, he just smiled and got the book down for me.

"Funny how things happen, huh?" he sighed, probably thinking about how this scene was exactly supposed to be the way we met, and dug one of his hands in his pocket. It looked like he was making sure that something was there, and no not that, but just something.

"So you wanted to talk," I said as I flipped directly to the part where Elizabeth reads the letter, I just felt so confused at the moment that it felt right to feel confused with Elizabeth.

"Right, this morning, can we just…" he paused, and I could feel my heart beating faster, I couldn't look at him. Did he feel like how I felt when we were kissing, that weird little feeling that somehow it was right?

I braced myself. He continued, "Can we just leave it as the show it was, I wouldn't want something like that to ruin our friendship. And I mean I'm totally cool with doing the whole act in front of them, but if we do, let's not let this affect our friendship, okay?"

My throat felt really tight all of a sudden, and I didn't know why. John and I were just friends, and he was just making sure that we would stay like that, and that our friendship wouldn't be affected, so why did I feel like I had still lost him?

"Yeah, sure, no problem, now let's get back to them, we've already kept them waiting for twenty minutes," I managed to get out. He's still your BFFF girl, calm down.

"Right, besides, we wouldn't want them to think that we were doing what Edith implied. Besides, twenty minutes wouldn't have been long enough," he smiled before putting an arm around my shoulders.

"I'll just pretend you didn't say that," I laughed and let him lead us back to CPK.

***

They called us to our table as soon as we got there, and I avoided the looks Edith was giving me, I was sure that John had winked at her. I would have to get him for that later.

We had to sit next to Henry and Jane, again, why did they always put us next to them? What had I done in my past life to deserve such a punishment?

We ordered our food and then the small talk began.

"So are you going to tell us what the surprise is yet?" Ryan asked from his end of the table, looking at Edith and Jane.

Edith then looked to Jane, who only smiled wickedly. "No, not until after lunch."

"But trust us, it is definitely worth the wait," Edith smiled.

I looked at Jane, who only leaned on Henry, who in turn kissed her. Ah, so Henry was getting back at me huh? He hadn't kissed her in front of me yet, and I knew that I was getting at him.

So I placed my hand in John's hand, and he obligingly intertwined our fingers. I smiled, and he smiled back at me.

The waiters had just taken away our plates, and Julia was the one who asked the question, "So now will you tell us?"

"Jane, you have the floor," Edith smirked from across the table.

"Thank you Edith," Jane said politely, before smiling at everyone. "So, you all know Henry and I are engaged" here she smiled at Henry and he smiled back "and that we have been living together for that past year." again insert smiles "But I just wanted to announce that there will soon be an addition to our family."

My mouth opened in shock.

"You're pregnant?" the words came out sounding rude, so I regained my attitude again before asking again in a much nicer tone.

"Yes, can you believe it?" Jane was really excited, and she only kissed Henry who was just as shocked as I was. Our eyes met, and for a moment I think we both understood that this was a quite unpleasant surprise.

"Dear, why didn't you tell me before?" Henry asked, but I tuned out the rest of the conversation.

Jane was pregnant. With Henry's child. That fact repeated itself in my head over and over, until it was like a trance that I couldn't break out of.

I needed to get out of there. I pushed my chair back and didn't even bother to grab my purse. I hardly heard Jane ask "What's wrong with her?" before I stormed out of the restaurant, leaving my sweater and purse behind.

I walked towards the beach, not paying attention to where I was going, tears threatening my vision. I heard the running behind me before I felt the hand on the shoulder.

I turned and was immediately enveloped in arms. But they somehow felt different, and this person was shorter. I looked up, expecting to see bright green eyes, but instead I found myself staring into darkness.

**A/N: **please **REVIEW!!!!!!!!**


	5. Chapter 5: Not Like This

**A/N: **Thanks to all who have reviewed or added this as a Favorite Story. So, um, yeah, here's the next chapter!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

**Chapter 5: Not Like This**

I pushed him away, disgusted, "Henry, what are you doing?"

"I had to come after you," he said, his arms trying to wrap around me again, but I slapped them away.

"Three fucking years, and you choose the moment that your fiancée tells you that she's pregnant to come after me?" I cried desperately. Great timing dude.

"Margaret, just—" Henry opened his mouth, but at that moment John was running up behind him.

"Mags, you okay?" John sounded worried, he came up to me and I immediately sought comfort in his arms. He hugged me close and kissed the top of my head before saying to Henry, "Henry, Jane is in there close to tears. She doesn't know what to think."

"Right. So Margaret—" Henry began but John cut him off.

"Worry about your fiancée, I'll worry about Mags." And I was sure I never felt more grateful to see Henry leave when before I would have done anything to have him at my side. This was a strange development.

I lifted my head from John's chest just in time to see Henry shrug and turn to walk back. Then I looked up at John, into the green eyes that held so much comfort for me.

"Thanks for coming after me, I don't know what I would have done," I said, as I pulled away from his arms, it seemed that he was reluctant to let me go, but he did anyway. He handed me my sweater and purse.

"Thanks, I don't think that I would have been able to go back in there and face them, especially Jane," I pulled on my sweater and grabbed my purse.

We continued to walk towards the beach, and when my hand found his he held it tight and we continued to walk.

I didn't speak until we got to the shore, I just watched the waves. I hadn't seen the ocean in so long, and it just seemed that it was reflecting my emotions, the waves seemed to crash onto the shore with anger and frustration and confusion.

I sat on the beach, looking out to the ocean without really seeing it, my mind was too filled up with other matters.

Like why had Henry come running after me?

Did it mean that he still had feelings for me?

And what would Jane do if he still did and left her and the child?

I couldn't imagine being the cause for a family to fall apart; I knew that I would never allow myself to be "the other one."

And even if they did split on amicable terms, did that mean that I would take Henry back?

I was so confused, and as much as I knew that it wouldn't help matters in the least, I started crying. John let me cry, but when I had been crying for what felt like forever and I couldn't stop, he gently wrapped an arm around my shoulders until I did finally stop.

"I just want to forget all of this, John," I cried into his shirt.

"I know the perfect solution for this," he smiled, and I let him lead me away to the nearest bar.

"Let me get the strongest and sweetest drink you have," I said to the bartender as soon as John sat me down at a stool, I was sure my eyes were red and puffy, but I didn't care. I just needed to forget.

"Just get me a Corona," he told the bartender.

"You always liked those," I said, as I watched the bartender make my drink.

"I'm a simple guy, no fancy drinks for me," John shrugged.

"Not when you're drinking out of red Hefty cups," I laughed as the bartender handed me my drink, and I immediately sipped through the straw.

"That's not a good idea," John warned as he took a swig of his beer.

"You brought me here. Plus, I need to forget," I laughed before sipping the rest of my drink through the straw. I then asked for another.

***

Countless drinks and hours later, John and I were laughing our heads off at something that wasn't funny in the slightest.

"Stop, my sides are hurting," I said, clutching one side of my body, the other resting on John's knee.

"Fine, fine," he laughed, grabbing my hand that was on his knee, and kissing it. It was funny, but then again, everything is funny when you are drunk.

"Let's get out of here," I whispered into John's ear, and his only response was grabbing my arm and leading us outside. We called a cab, as drunk as we were we weren't stupid enough to drive home on our own, plus John forgot where he had parked the car.

Once we climbed in the back seat, I leaned against John. He smelled like beer, but I didn't care, I doubted I smelled any better.

"Fuck Henry," I giggled—I giggle when I get drunk—and leaned over to John, kissing him full on the mouth. John's only response was to kiss me back, as urgently as before. I knew that it was only the alcohol making us act like that, but I didn't care. I wanted to kiss John and John wanted to kiss me, no harm right?

The cab ride could not have been any longer, and by the time we got to Ryan's house, I wasn't thinking straight, and neither was John for that matter.

Luckily Edith had told me where they kept the spare key, and John and I fumbled around to find it in the dark. I found it eventually, but I could hardly stand up straight, let alone insert a key into a keyhole and unlock a door. John got frustrated and had to take the key away from me before he managed to open the door. I guess he wasn't as drunk as I was considering we drank about the same about of alcohol but we was almost twice my size.

As soon as he got the door open, I jumped on him and began kissing him. He managed to kiss me back as we made our way up the stairs, falling a few times, and into our room.

He pushed me back onto the bed, his hands running up and down my back while I ran my hands through his amazingly soft hair. I was in heaven. I began to tug at his shirt, and it was eventually off and flung somewhere. I ran my hands over his strong body, wondering why I had never done so before. But then again, I doubted I had ever been as wasted as I was now.

He began kissing my neck, and it was like déjà vu from the dream I had had.

And then he stopped. But I continued kissing him. Even when he spoke, "Mags, stop, we can't do this. Not like this."

"Of course we can John," I was still kissing him, a small feeling of panic shooting through my mind.

"No, Mags stop," he pulled away from my arms and sat up on the corner of the bed.

"Why?" I too sat up, somewhat sober. But I knew why.

"Because you're drunk, and I don't want you to do something that you'll regret later on," he looked at me, and even in the dark I could see the greenness of his eyes.

"You're drunk too," I said, such a lame excuse.

"That's not the point, Mags. What matters is that I don't want things to be like this, not when you'll regret it in the morning."

"Who says I'll regret it?" I asked, but I was sure that it was the alcohol talking, my vision was blurry anyway.

But even in the blurriness of my vision, I could see the intensity of his eyes. He sighed.

"Just go to sleep Mags," he got up and went into the bathroom.

I just sat there, trying to think straight, but it was almost impossible. I threw myself back onto the bed, where I closed my eyes and sleep caught me in its trap.

***

The sun woke me up, and I tried to move but found myself trapped in someone's arms and my legs tangled up with that someone's legs. That someone was John. He had one arm wrapped tightly about my waist with my back to his chest, as if he didn't want me to go. And I was more than happy to stay.

Yesterday's events at lunch came flooding back to me, and all I wanted was to stay here, in John's arms so I didn't have to face the harsh realities of life. I dimly remembered last night, but I dismissed it as a dream, I was having a lot of those lately.

"Mags," I heard John mutter my name, and I turned to face him, but he was still asleep.

"Hey, you awake?" I whispered, but John didn't stir.

Instead I just studied his face. He was so handsome, but there was something in his face, something akin to pain and suffering. Suffering in his soul, and at that moment I wanted nothing more but to make it go away.

John had always been there for me other times, like when I accidently erased a paper I had been working on for several weeks and he stayed up with me until I finished it. He was always bringing me coffee in the morning after a late night of homework. He always made sure that I studied for my exams and didn't procrastinate too much. He was always there to lend an ear when I needed it, to sum up, John had always been there for me.

And somehow, I felt like I wasn't there for him. I always teased him, sometimes quite mercilessly. I considered myself his BFFF, but was I really there for him like a friend would be? No, and that fact made me hate myself more than I hated myself for still having feelings about Henry. I had let my friend down.

I reached a hand out and touched John's cheek, I wanted to be there for him so bad.

His eyes opened, and I was frozen with my hand on his cheek, and his arms still wrapped about my waist, our legs as tangled as ever.

He looked at me and then he looked at my lips. I closed my eyes and bent my head forward, waiting for his lips to meet mine, but the kiss never came.

"Mags, what are you doing?" he whispered, but I could feel his breath on my lips, the phantom of a kiss.

I opened my eyes, to see his eyes looking at me with the same intensity from my dream, or had last night really been a dream? I had no answer, so he continued, "Why are you doing this? Henry isn't here, there's no one here to see your little act, so why are you still doing it? What are you trying to get at?"

I was shocked with the anger that was in his voice, or at least I thought it was anger because I had never heard it before and I was sure I had heard every other emotion that John had to offer.

"Mags?" he questioned.

I just looked at him. Why was I doing this? He was staring at me, waiting for my answer, as if it would be the deciding factor of something I hadn't a clue about.

"I don't know," I muttered shamefully, because I truly didn't know. Things were so confused in my head at the moment I felt like I didn't know anything anymore.

Upon hearing my words, he untangled himself from me, and rolled over onto his back, the back of his hand covering his eyes, which were closed tight.

My stomach felt knotted, and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up all the alcohol I had drank last night. I didn't want John to see me like that, so vowing to never drink again I got into the shower, hoping to clear my head and my heart.

When I got out the shower, John was nowhere to be found.

**A/N**: Okay, so many of you were spot on with thinking it was Henry, good job! Please REVIEW!!!


	6. Chapter 6: F ing Mental

**A/N:** Thanks to all who reviewed! Hope you keep it up!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

**Chapter 6: F ing Mental**

I went downstairs, hoping to find John, but instead I just saw Julia having breakfast all alone on the island in the kitchen.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully as I walked into the kitchen.

"Hey," I muttered, I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment, I am not much of a morning person.

I got myself a cup of coffee, and sat down at the table with Julia.

"Where's John?" she asked innocently.

"Um…" I said before pretending to burn myself on the coffee because I had been asking myself the same question. I wondered where he could have gone, I mean he didn't know the LA area. He said he had visited before, but it was a short trip and they had gone with a tour company.

Julia was just about to ask the question again when we heard someone knocking on the door. I looked at Julia before I got up to answer the door, Julia following me out into the small foyer.

I opened the door, expecting to find John, but I only found Henry and a suitcase on the front porch.

"Henry, what are you doing here?" Julia asked, I was glad that I wasn't the one to ask the question. I just examined Henry, who looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep last night from the look of the bags underneath his eyes. I thought he looked horrible, it was a transformation from the teenage Henry I had dated.

"I need a place to stay until Jane cools over," Henry said to Julia, but his eyes were looking at me or behind me, as if asking where John was.

"Well I guess Ryan wouldn't mind his best man staying in the house," Julia shrugged and Henry just grabbed his suitcase and brushed past me.

I didn't care to see where he would be staying, so I just followed Julia back into the kitchen.

"Hey, what happened yesterday after I left?" I whispered, afraid that Henry might hear.

"Well, once you stormed out, don't worry girl, I completely understand, Henry and John both got up to follow you. Or well, John had the sense to grab your things because he said you both probably wouldn't be back until very late. We were all shocked with Henry so we didn't really pay attention to what he said.

"While John was grabbing your stuff, Jane burst out into tears and wondered if it was something she said that made everyone go away. I was like 'No, duh Sherlock,' not to her face or anything, but you get the point."

Julia stopped to get a breath, and I was just nodding like some bobble-head.

"So then Henry comes back and I was totally out of there. Ryan and Edith came out quickly after me and we drove home and I don't know what happened with Henry and Jane."

"Oh," I said lamely, somehow I felt that this was entirely my fault. And it probably was. I needed to clear my head; "Well I think I'm going to go meet John now." I lied about that, I had no idea where John was, all I knew was that I needed to find him. How were we going to play boyfriend/girlfriend when he wasn't even there?

I ran the stairs up to the room where we were staying so I could get my phone and call John. But when I got inside I found none other than Henry, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked angrily. All I wanted was to know where John was, and I get Henry, great.

"Please Margaret, we need to talk," he said, getting up from his place on the bed, which was still unmade and I could see John's shirt crumpled there.

"About what?" I asked, but I knew that we needed to talk, and somehow having him there so willing to talk about it made me pretty damn curious.

"About us," he shrugged.

"Us?" I asked, there was an _us_?

"Well, how we left things, I don't like how it ended."

He's the one who breaks up with me and he still has the nerve to tell me he doesn't like how it ended? "Or really? Last I recall, you're the one who broke up with _me_."

"What I meant was that I didn't like that we didn't speak to each other again, I missed you," he said, he was pacing back and forth now. But I just stood there, my arms crossed and giving him my best evil-eye.

Hold on a sec, did he say that he missed me? After all those months of missing him and crying my eyes out, he says he missed me? "Then why didn't you call?" Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

"I wanted to Margaret, you don't know how many times I picked up the phone and dialed your number, but I never had the courage to actually press the 'call' button."

And I remember doing the exact same thing. "What were you afraid of?" Coward.

"I was afraid that you wouldn't want to talk to me."

"And why wouldn't I want to talk?" Because I would rip your head off for breaking my heart.

"I don't know, I guess I just thought that you would be bitter." Damn straight I would be.

"I had, and have, every fucking right to be," I snapped at him.

"See that's why I waited for you to make the next move, I wanted you to be okay with being just friends."

"But I didn't want to be just friends Henry, don't you understand?" I said exasperated, this conversation was going nowhere.

"And you think that I did?" he asked, throwing his hands in the air.

"Well then why did you have to go and ruin us Henry? We were fine just the way we were," I said, tears beginning to form in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry, I wanted to hear Henry out. Make him relive all the pain that I had to go through. I wanted to watch him suffer, just like he had made me suffer.

"I know, that's why I had to let you go," he muttered, he wasn't looking at me.

"How is that a reason to break up a perfectly fine relationship?"

"Damn it Margaret; I was afraid!" he said, running his hand through his hair.

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of the way I felt about you. I was afraid that I liked you too much, I was afraid of hurting you. I was afraid of disappointing you, that you would make me up to be someone that I wasn't."

"But I had _loved_ you just the way you were!" I said, biting back the tears.

"_Loved_?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love me?" he asked, getting closer to me, and suddenly I was afraid.

"I don't know anymore Henry." My feelings were such a tangle, that I had yet to begin unraveling them.

"I love you Margaret, I never stopped loving you," he said, his eyes searching mine, but I looked away, because I knew that he wouldn't be able to find anything there.

"How is it that you can say that you never stopped loving me, yet you went ahead and decided to start a brand new relationship with some girl you didn't even know longer than we had dated, and now you're marrying her? And having a family with her?" What kind of man did that?

"Because I didn't think that I would ever get a chance to win you back. I knew that you were too pretty for your own good; that you would eventually get over me and find someone of your own. Because I knew that if I held on to you forever I would die all alone. I just wanted someone to be there, Jane just happened to be the most convenient candidate."

"You're using the poor girl!" I wanted to slap him. Sure I didn't like Jane and all, but deep down I knew that she was just an innocent player in this "lovely" game called Life, and that she shouldn't have to suffer because two other people just couldn't seem to go through the game without screwing things up.

"I love Jane, and I would never use her," he said, running another hand through his hair, his voice softer now.

"But you can come in here and tell me that you never stopped loving me?" this was so confusing!

"Yes Margaret, I can. And if you found that you still loved me, and if you asked me to leave Jane, I would. I would do anything for you," he said, his hand touching my cheek. I felt chills down my spine, and they weren't like the chills I felt when John touched me, these were more like goose bumps.

"You're crazy Henry, do you know that? Fucking mental!" I said before slapping his hand away.

"I'm not crazy Margaret! I'm in love, don't you get it?" he said, he looked insane.

"No Henry, I don't. I don't see how it is that you can do this. I thought I loved you, but I realize where I, where we both, are wrong."

"What do you mean? How can we be wrong?"

"We've changed Henry. I'm not the person I was three years ago, and neither are you. I came here, thinking that I was still in love with you. But now I'm not so sure if the Henry I loved would have been willing to leave someone who is carrying their child without so much as a backward glance."

"Margaret—"

"And see, I've changed too. Three years ago I would have told you to leave Jane without caring about her feelings either, but I've grown up. I know that I can't get everything I want in the world, and I think I'm fine with it. You have to give a little to get a little."

"So this is it? You don't have any more feelings for me?"

"This conversation has made it crystal clear to me Henry," I said, and somehow I felt lighter, as if I had been freed of some invisible weights that had been holding me down all these years.

"Well don't think that I'm gonna give up so easily Margaret," he sneered, his attitude changing completely, and he grabbed my arm. Before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine, and I could taste the alcohol on his lips. But I couldn't move as much as I tried to push myself away, his hold on me was that tight.

And just as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Henry was looking at the doorway, and I turned just in time to see John turn on his heel and walk out of the room.

How much had he heard, and what had he seen?

**A/N:** REVIEW!!!!!!!!! por favor!


	7. Chapter 7: No Explanations

**A/N: **Thanks to all who reviewed, and added this to your Favorite Story list. It makes me happy :] Sorry for the wait, hope this chapter makes up for it, even if it is kind of short. But if you REVIEW I'll work on the next chapter fast!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

**Chapter 7: No Explanations**

"Idiot!" I slapped Henry before rushing out the door to find John.

I had just reached the landing of the stairs when I heard the front door slam. I ran out the front door, where I saw John getting into his car.

"John! Wait up," I yelled, running up to the car, out of breath. I needed to do more exercise.

"What is it Margaret?" he said, he sounded irritated, and since when did he call me Margaret?

"We need to talk," I sighed, nervously tugging at my shirt.

"What's there to talk about?" he said, but the asshole didn't even wait for my answer before he got into his car. I wasn't about to give up so easily, so I quickly got into the front passenger seat. He practically growled when he saw me do this, but he started the car and drove away, and fast.

We didn't talk for a while, we just sat there in the car, the tension was almost tangible.

"Where were you this morning?" I asked all of a sudden, realizing that he also had some explaining to do.

"What?" John asked, turning his head to look at me in confusion.

"Where did you go? I was looking for you," I said, and I realized that I sounded like a jealous girlfriend, but I needed to know.

"I had to pick up the car that we left at the beach," he said, and I realized that my question was stupid. I should have known, yet I had been worrying that John decided to abandon me. I really was insecure.

"Oh," I said, blushing and looking out the window, we were going nowhere in particular; I think that even John didn't know where he was going.

"I didn't think you were like that," he said after a few moments' silence, and he really did sound disappointed.

"John, it wasn't what it looked like," I said, looking at him, but he was staring at the road.

"I'm sure," he said sarcastically, I had never encountered this kind of malicious sarcasm from John, and it hurt.

"Henry was drunk," I said, but I sounded guilty.

"I don't care what he was Margaret. I'm pretty sure that you were sober enough yesterday to hear that his fiancée is expecting his child, and yet you let him kiss you. I would think that any feelings you still had for him would have been set aside in consideration for the child that his wife-to-be is carrying."

I was shocked, did John really think I was that kind of person? "You talk like you didn't know me John. Henry and I were talking, and I was telling him that—"

"I don't care what you were telling him Margaret, I don't care. It's your life, and once we're done with this little charade I'm going back to Sacramento. That is if you still need to use me, otherwise I would like to go back now."

"John—" I started, but he cut me off again.

"You don't need to explain anything to me Margaret," he said, and I realized that we had simply drove around in a circle and we were back in front of Ryan's house. He turned off the engine and got out of the car.

I sat there, immobile. John didn't care what I did. And he didn't even want an explanation. Why then, did I feel the need to tell John that I was completely over Henry?

I jumped in my seat when I heard a loud knock on the window, it was John.

"Are you going to sit in there all day or are you coming?"

"I'm coming," I said, unbuckling my seat belt and getting out of the car. He just walked ahead of me, as if nothing had happened, he looked completely relaxed while I was sure that my outside reflected the inner turmoil of my heart.

***

Once we got inside, I could hear Ryan talking with Julia in the kitchen. We walked in, making as much noise so that they didn't think we were eavesdropping.

"Hey there you two," Julia greeted us, and I think she noticed the way that I looked.

"I guess you already know that Henry is staying here for a while. Turns out he got really drunk last night, celebrating I guess, so Jane had to kick him out, or so he says. He's passed out on the living room couch right now, just so you know what to expect if you go in there," Ryan said to both of us, I just nodded, and I cast a sidelong glance at John, his face was unreadable.

"So, um, what's the plan for today?" I asked.

"Edith went to go check up on Jane today, see how's she's holding up. We had originally decided to just hang around today, just the family you know before more guests arrive for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow," Ryan shrugged.

"So does that mean we don't have to do what Edith says today?" Julia's eyes brightened at the prospect, but I was hoping it was a negative because that would mean that John didn't have a reason to stay by my side, and that he would most likely avoid me.

"Yeah, I guess so," Ryan said, scratching the top of his head. Julia smiled excitedly while I tried to hide the disappointment from my face.

John walked out of the kitchen, and I followed him to our room. I sat at the edge of the bed while I saw him grab his gym clothes from his bag. He went into the bathroom to change, he hadn't spoken since we walked inside, and he hadn't smiled much either. It was so depressing.

He came out of the bathroom, "I'll see you later, call me if Edith comes back and we have to do the activities or whatever."

I just nodded and watched him head out the door, liking the way that his muscles moved, strong and powerful. And then he was gone, the door snapped shut behind him. I fell back onto the bed, waiting until I heard the front door close and the faint sound of footsteps.

And then I let it out. Angry sobs racked my body. I felt so overwhelmed. Things were not turning out well. I had never really meant for Henry to leave his fiancée, I had just wanted to show him what he was missing out on. And now his fiancée was suffering because Henry interpreted things the wrong way, but I was also to blame. And John was mad at me and didn't even want to hear me out. Plus there was that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach because John wasn't talking to me.

But I wasn't going to let John stay mad at me forever. I had to do something to somehow get him back, back from wherever I had lost him, back to the way we were before this trip. But somehow, I knew that even if I did get him back to that point, it just wouldn't be enough.

But first, I would need to show him that I wasn't a selfish bitch. I would have to make Henry get back with Jane, or at least get Jane's apology.

Yes, that's what I would do. And John would see that I was still the person he thought I was. It was fool proof, right?

But don't get me wrong, I'm not just doing this to get John back. I'm doing this for the people that got hurt during my little journey to find myself. And if the end I still go to hell, well I'll know that I tried to fix things.

I ran into the bathroom to wash my face, washing away all the turbulence and making my face look calm even if I didn't feel it.

***

"Do you think you could tell me where Jane lives? I want to make sure that she is okay, and give Edith a break or something," I asked Julia who was still in the kitchen.

Julia raised her eyebrows, "Yeah, sure." She popped out a piece of paper and a pen before flipping through the phonebook that was in one of the drawers. She copied out the address before handing it to me. I smiled.

"Thanks Julia, I owe you one," I said, getting up from my seat about to go grab my purse from my room.

"Yes you do," she muttered.

"I do?" I asked kind of confused. What did I owe Julia?

"You said that we were going to go clubbing. And then you just went with John and disappeared yesterday, I mean I don't want to be a third wheel or anything, but it I thought that we were going to hang out," she said with downcast eyes.

I felt guilty. What kind of friend was I?

"Then I promise to make it up to you tonight." And I did want to hang out with her, go dance out some of the frustration I had built up inside of me.

***

I sighed one more time before knocking on the door. I heard a few muffled voices before Jane opened the door.

"Jane," I smiled.

"Oh, it's you." And with that she shut the door.

Oh, this was going to be easy.

**A/N:** Please REVIEW!!! Constructive criticism, your favorite parts, what you didn't like. Makes it easier for me to put in what you like! But no John POV, sorry about that, I might do that later on when I finish this, but idk. PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	8. Chapter 8: Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

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**Chapter 8: Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake**

"Jane, please open the door, I need to talk to you."

And the door opened up. It was Edith.

"Hey Edi, I really need to talk to Jane," I said, using the sweetest voice I had.

"Fine," Edith said as she let me inside. "I'll be back later, maybe, I've got wedding things to do with my maid-of-honor."

"Thanks so much Edi," I hugged her, I knew that she couldn't take care of another person for too long. She preferred being the center of attention, and with her wedding she could be. Poor Julia was going to have to put up with Edith after all. We would most definitely need to go clubbing then.

"Try not to upset her too much, will you? Think of the baby," and with that she left me inside of Jane's apartment.

Jane was nowhere in sight, but in the hallway I could see that there was a door open with the light on. So I made my way there, looking around while I did.

There were pictures of her and Henry along the walls, and she looked so happy in them. Henry was also smiling, but it was more fake than anything. There was a picture of Jane holding a toddler, and if there wasn't another lady in the picture who was obviously the child's mother, you would have thought that Jane was the mother, she looked so natural.

I ignored the rest of the pictures and noticed that the apartment had a very home-y feel to it. It was soothing, and I knew that I had to make Jane happy again.

I reached the door and approached tentatively.

"Jane?" I tapped the door, and it opened up.

"Leave me alone!" her muffled yell came from the bed that was in complete disarray, she was crying into one of the big pillows.

"Please, we need to talk," I said, forging on like a brave soldier. Or more like a mom trying to make her upset daughter feel better after her first boyfriend dumps her.

"What do _we_ need to talk about? You stole my fiancée! You ruined my life!" she was yelling into the pillow, but that didn't stop me. I approached the bed and sat at the end.

"Now you know that's not true, I did not steal Henry," I muttered. It was you who stole him from me. Thanks by the way.

"Then why did he run after you when I told him the good news? Why did _you_ run out? Both of you acted like I offended you," she was still crying. So Henry had not told her anything. Wasn't that just peachy?

"I was just…" jealous? At the time. Not anymore.

"What?"

"I don't know if it's my place to say it," I sighed, running a hand through my hair, this was going to get complicated. At least my words caught her attention, and she sat up, wiping away some tears.

"What can't you say?" she asked, I felt horrible. It was like I was being purposely suspenseful.

I sighed; she needed to know, but I didn't think that now was the time. Or was it?

"Tell me Margaret. What's going on between you and Henry?" she was angry now, I had to do it if Henry didn't have the balls to tell her. "You're sleeping with him aren't you? Aren't you?!"

"What? No! I would never sleep with anyone's fiancée!" I was surprised that she was accusing me of such a thing.

"Then what's going on between you two?"

"More like what _went_ on. Jane, it's all in the past, we broke up and I'm over it," I said. It felt good being able to say I was over him, it was liberating, like a breath of fresh air.

"Broke up? You went out with Henry?" she was surprised now, I could see the way her eyes opened wide, as if I wasn't good enough for Henry, or maybe he wasn't good enough for me. I opted for the latter.

"Yes, for five years, mainly high school, but we broke up when we moved for college," I said as nonchalantly as possible.

"You're lying. You're making this up," she said, and I was amazed that she didn't believe me.

"I wish I was lying, this is really stupid, and I'm embarrassed to have to say it, no offense or anything," I said.

"But then how come Henry never mentioned you, like never ever. When I asked him if he had had any girlfriends in high school he told me he had little flings but nothing serious," she looked like she was deep in thought. She looked more interested in hearing me now than being mad at me.

"Only Henry can answer that I guess, but everything that I am telling you is the truth. You can ask Julia, or Ryan, or Edith, or even his parents and my parents. We were as serious as the next high school couple. We really were," I said, not looking Jane in the eye now, I was playing with a little piece of thread that was hanging on to my sweater.

She seemed to be thinking things over, like a mystery that needed to be solved, and I was only part of the evidence.

"Did he ever cheat on you?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

"Um, not that I know of, no," I said, wrinkling my forehead in thought, what a weird question to ask.

"Oh," she said, hugging her knees to her chest, she seemed disappointed.

"Why do you ask?"

"No reason, just because," she whispered, staring off into space. I let her stare off for a while before I continued.

"Jane, I really came here to apologize." And then she started crying again. "I'm so sorry."

"Last night Henry told me he loved you, and I hated you. We were getting along just fine again, and then that happened. But now you're here and saying sorry and I can' think that you need to apologize, it's Henry. It's all his fault!" Well this was an interesting development, but I guessed there was something more that she wasn't telling me. Fine again? She was hiding something.

"What happened last night?" I asked; I knew she needed to vent. Edith wasn't exactly the best person to talk to, I realized that when Henry broke up with me and I tried to talk to her. It was useless; she even walked out of the room while I was talking.

"Well, when we got back from CPK, I asked him why he ran after you, but he didn't say anything. Told me it wasn't any of my concern, that it was nothing. Obviously, I was curious, so the only way I could ever get him to talk was to get him drunk. So I opened a bottle of wine for him, told him that we should celebrate. He agreed for some reason. Eventually he told me that he loved you, and that he loved me, but he would leave me if you asked him to," she had managed to control her tears long enough to tell me this before she burst out again.

"It's okay," I said, hugging her, soothing her hair. Henry was such a prick sometimes.

"I kicked him out, told him to leave, told him that if I didn't want to see him in the morning, and I locked myself in here. But I didn't mean it, it was supposed to be a test, if he was still here in the morning it would mean that he did love me and what he said were lies, but when I woke up he was gone! I thought he went to see you, I thought you were his lover, but now you're here and I don't even know where he is!"

"Don't worry about him, he's currently passed out on the couch at Ryan's house."

"You saw him?" I flinched, I didn't think that she needed to hear what had happened between me and Henry. I certainly did not want to talk about it.

"No, Ryan just told us that he would be staying there, but he didn't say anything else," it was just a little white lie.

"So you didn't get a chance to talk to him?"

"No," it would only hurt her more if she knew.

"Oh."

"You really love him don't you?" I asked; I felt so bad for her.

"Like a fat kid loves cake," she murmured, but she smiled, and I had to laugh.

"Is that a good thing?" she laughed, and I felt more at ease. Maybe she didn't hate me, maybe she just hated Henry for not being the person she had thought him up to be. Funny that the thing he was afraid of doing with me he did to Jane.

"I don't know. You know I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I wasn't expecting?" she was calm again.

"Really?" I thought she loved him. She nodded.

"I think he's cheating on me. That's why I lashed out at you earlier. I thought you were his mistress, and I guess I sort of just panicked. It was stupid of me to think that all our problems would be solved when he found out that he would be a father."

"I'm so sorry." Henry didn't deserve her. Jane was better than he was.

"You don't have to be sorry about anything. I'm the stupid one here. I can't stop loving him even though he's hurting me. My love for him is like a cancer, it started off really benign and then it got out of control and it won't relinquish it's grip on me until it has killed me," and I really felt her suffering. It was stupid that Henry was causing all this heartache, and he wasn't even the type that two women should be pining over.

"What are you going to do? Are you going to take him back?"

"I hope I don't have to make that decision."

"What about the baby?"

"I would rather it grew up without a father than with a father who didn't love it."

"You're keeping it?"

"Of course I am! This child is innocent here, just because I made some stupid decisions doesn't mean that it has to suffer. Besides," her tone changed, "I've always wanted to be a mom."

"You'll be a great mom, I can tell," I smiled, she was so sweet, and I knew that I couldn't let Henry get near her again. She was too nice for her own good.

"Thanks," she said, looking at me, and there was hope in her eyes.

"It sucks that everything had to happen like this."

"At least it's better that it happened sooner than later." Oh Jane, ever the optimist.

"I suppose so."

***

After that we decided to stop talking about those matters. It was too depressing, and we both agreed that if there was someone to blame, it was Henry.

I made her some nice tea, and we just talked trivial things. It was fun, and I realized that what Jane really needed was a friend. Henry had screwed us both over, but we weren't going to let him ruin our lives anymore.

We were enjoying ourselves so much that the sun was beginning to set when I realized that I should be heading back.

I promised to come back the next day, so we could decide what was to be done with Henry, if any sense was left in the man.

I felt accomplished, like for once I had done something right.

But as I approached Ryan's house, I knew that not all was well. There was still John, and Julia.

I could survive this weekend and this wedding. Maybe not completely unscathed, but I would figure things out.

One thing at a time.

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**A/N:** Sorry for the lack of John in this chapter. But please REVIEW


	9. Chapter 9: Falling

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"_**

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**Chapter 9: Falling**

I opened the door and found no one. No Henry, no Ryan, no Edith, no Julia, no John. I went to the room, hoping that maybe John was there, but there was no sign that he had ever come back from his run.

I sighed. So Jane didn't hate me anymore, which was good because I knew that I couldn't live knowing that someone hated my guts. I laid back in the bed, thinking of taking a nap before heading to the club with Julia, and trying not to think of the void John left with his absence.

But it was a bad idea. The bed smelled of him, and it only served to make me think of him more. I wanted him by my side so bad, I just wanted his arms to wrap around me and make me feel safe. It wasn't easy being mature, it wasn't, but I knew that it would be easier if there were someone there at the end of the day to hold your hand.

Even if it was just an act.

***

"This place is banging!" Julia was yelling into my ear, I could hardly hear her above the loud music in the club. Shortly after I had arrived they had all arrived, everyone except John of course. Then Julia had come to find me so I could keep my promise, so here we were, in a club near Hollywood, sitting at a booth with our drinks.

"I haven't been clubbing in so long!" I yelled back, a smile on my face, my foot tapping to the beat of the music.

"There are a lot of cute guys here!" Julia yelled back, scoping out the place, her hot-men-radar alert and scanning. I looked around, and there were indeed a lot of hot guys there.

"We should get you out on that dance floor!" and I grabbed her wrist and pulled her onto the dance floor.

We were laughing and having a good time, moving our bodies to the rhythm of the music, not having a care in the world. And at that moment, I forgot about everything that was going wrong in my life, it was as if I was dancing all the stress out of me, it was good.

Eventually the hot guys found us, and we were both dancing with random good-looking strangers. Julia appeared to be doing more than that, I could hardly tell where she ended and her partner began, but I knew the girl was having fun.

My partner was having a good time, and I was enjoying the way he was looking at me. His eyes were a nice shade of blue, and he had that dirty blonde hair, and his lips were so close to mine, and…

Julia grabbed my arm and pulled me to our booth. She ordered us some water.

"What are you doing?" she yelled, and if I am not mistaken, it sounded like she was accusing me.

"What do you mean? I'm having a good time!" I shrugged, looking back to the dance floor to find the guy I was dancing with in the arms of someone else. Well there were plenty more fish in the sea, I thought as I sipped at my ice-cold water.

"I can tell, but what about John? I didn't think you would be the kind of person to cheat on him!"

"But John and I aren't…" I shut my mouth with a snap, I was about to reveal our dirty little secret, that was a close one.

"I appreciate you coming with me Margaret, but I don't think John will like it if I was the reason that you two broke up."

"Don't worry about him."

"Do you love him Margaret?"

I nearly choked on the water I was drinking. "What?"

"I mean it's so obvious the damn boy is in love with you, but I don't know about you, you seem distant."

"In love? You've got to be kidding!" John can't love me, not the way he's been avoiding me lately, that's not something you do to a person you love. "John isn't in love with me."

"Even a blind person can see that, Margaret."

"You're lying." Curiosity killed the cat, damn it, "How can you be so sure?"

"It's in the way he looks at you. I mean I haven't even seen you two together for a long time, but that night at dinner I was jealous at the way he looked at you. I would kill to have some guy look at me like that."

Was John really in love with me? The way he looked at me? I tried to think back, John was always looking at me with his immensely green eyes, it was as if he was trying to look into my soul, that's the way it felt when he looked at me. But was that love?

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Why are you so afraid of having someone in love with you? Or are you the one who is afraid of falling in love?"

Yes, that was it. I was afraid. I was a coward. I couldn't bear to give my heart away again, not after it had been broken so. The pain was too much, and I didn't think that I could possibly go through that again, I wouldn't be able to handle it, I was weak. I didn't deserve to be loved, not by anyone.

"John isn't Henry, Margaret." Julia was right. "Even if he is my brother, Henry is an ass. Don't let what Henry did to you get in the way of loving John, you'll only end up hurting him."

And with that she went back onto the dance floor, leaving me with my cup of water to think.

I sighed. Oh Julia, I can't love John. He's my friend, my best fucking friend forever, and we can't love each other, not in that way. This is all an act, it's not real.

But what if John did love me, was there not something there, in that kiss that we shared? In all those little moments we had shared as friends, that little tingling sensation I felt whenever he touched me. How I felt that he understood me whenever he looked at me?

_You'll only end up hurting him_. Julia's words hung clear in my head. That was the last thing I wanted to do to John.

***

"That was fun," Julia was sitting in the passenger seat, exhausted from dancing, while I was driving. I had spent the rest of the time sitting at the booth, thinking. But I hadn't come to any conclusion.

I just nodded. We arrived at Ryan's house and we said our goodbyes at the entrances to our respective rooms.

When I entered the room I could make out John's sleeping figure in the faint light coming in through the window. He was taking up about half the bed, and it looked like he had just taken a shower and passed out in the middle of the bed.

I changed into my sleepwear, and got in as comfortable position on the bed as I could without touching John.

He was sleeping so calmly, unaware of everything around him.

It was there, in the dimly lit hours of the night, while I was watching him sleep, that I realized that I was falling for my best friend, and he didn't even know it.

I had been falling for him for a long time now, but I had been to blind to see.

But maybe, just maybe, he would open his eyes in time to catch me before it was too late.

**A/N:** Please REVIEW!!!

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	10. Chapter 10: Atlas Cervical Vertebra

**A/N: **Sorry for the longer than usual wait for this chapter, but I had midterms this past week that I had to study for. Instead of being able to write you all a nice chapter, I was forced into making sense of nomenclature, combustion analysis, dilutions, limiting reagents, memorizing chemical formulas and stoichiometric what-nots! But I digress... Oh, one more thing: the atlas cervical vertebra is the uppermost bone in the spine (vertebral column) that allows the head to nod (I studied anatomy in high school).

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South."_**

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Chapter 10: Atlas Cervical Vertebra**

I was awake, but my eyes were still closed. I could feel his arms wrapped around me, but I didn't move, instead I just listened. The whole house was still silent, but beside me I could hear John's deep breathing. It was soothing, the constant rhythm of his breath was lulling me back to sleep.

I didn't want to return to reality just yet, because then that would mean that John was mad at me and that life was not perfect. But fate thought otherwise, just as I was about to fall asleep again, John's arms unwrapped themselves from me and he turned onto his back. I peeked at him, I could see that he was still half-asleep, not yet fully awake.

He turned to face me, and I pretended to be asleep. I didn't know what I could say to him just yet. It wasn't like I could just say 'Hey John, I know you're my best friend and all, but I have a mean crush on you and would very much like it if we were more than friends.' It even sounded stupid in my head. I felt the mattress move as he got off the bed and I heard the bathroom door close before I dared open my eyes again.

Was he going to avoid me today again? Well he couldn't, even if he wanted to, tonight was the wedding rehearsal, and the wedding rehearsal dinner. He had to be there, and he would have to be with me, as my date, my boyfriend, my beau, call it whatever you will.

A knock on the door, I got out of bed and opened the door. It was Julia.

"Edith told me to remind you that you have to be at the church by 5:00 p.m., but other than that we don't have much else planned for today," she smiled, trying to look behind me and into the room, probably trying to see where John was.

"Right," I smiled, and just then John came out of the bathroom without a shirt. Julia looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I blushed.

"I see our little talk helped last night," she winked at me.

"Oh shut it," I closed the door, and turned to John. "We have to be at the church by 5 today."

He nodded.

"And the wedding rehearsal dinner is after that."

He nodded again.

"And you're not talking to me."

One more nod. Nod one more time and I'm breaking your atlas cervical vertebra!

"I'm going to go see Jane, but do you want to have breakfast first? We can go to a place I used to go to everyday day before class in high school," I suggested, maybe then he would start talking, and then I wouldn't have to use anatomical terms to refer to the bone in his body I wanted to snap at the moment.

"Sure," he muttered.

***

"I talked to Jane yesterday," I offered as we sat down in the small café waiting for our orders. He hadn't spoken more than monosyllabic words during the whole car ride; I understood that he was giving me the silent treatment, as if I didn't feel guilty enough.

His nodding started again.

"She doesn't hate me, in case you wanted to know. I told her I was over Henry," I said, it felt so awkward, especially with John not talking like he usually did when I needed advice.

"Lying is your new thing now huh?" and the man speaks. If only he spoke the words I wanted to hear.

"Ouch. But I'm over Henry, and Jane knows about the past, and I don't think that I need to sit here any longer and listen to you insult me when I'm trying to clean up this mess that I feel like I created," I snapped at him, I was really angry all of a sudden. Luckily our order was ready and I just asked for mine to go.

I paid for my breakfast, and without meeting John's eyes, I walked out of the small café. I did manage to sneak a glance at him, and he looked completely dumbfounded with what had just happened. I was as confused as he was, but I wasn't going to let him know that.

The good thing about being in a place I knew was that I didn't need to ask John for a ride. Instead I just walked to Jane's apartment, which wasn't too far from where we had gone for breakfast. I ate my breakfast on my way there.

***

"Margaret! I wasn't expecting you so early," Jane opened the door and let me in.

"Oh sorry, I wasn't either, but there were a few changes of plan, and I happened to be close by. I can come by later if you want me to."

"No, now is fine. Would you like something to eat? Coffee?" Jane was definitely going to be a good mom. As much as I told her that it wasn't necessary because I had just eaten she wouldn't let me say no until I had let her serve me a cup of coffee. She had that weird mom ability to make you feel guilty for not eating seconds even when you are completely full.

"How are you holding up?" I said as I watched her finish her breakfast while I let my coffee cool off a bit. She had been smiling the whole time, but I noticed that there was something up.

"It's strange. I'm so used to having Henry here you know? It's just strange," she shrugged. "How's Edith doing? I hope she's not mad at me, she seemed a bit upset yesterday. I told her that I would still be a bridesmaid if she needed me, but she didn't say anything."

"Oh don't worry about her. She's too excited for tonight to worry about it."

"I don't share her enthusiasm for tonight. I don't know if I can see Henry just yet. As much as I miss him, I know that I won't be able to act rationally in front of him."

I'm with you on that one Jane. Things with John just seemed to get even more complicated every time we interacted now, and I didn't know how we would manage to make it through the evening. "Would you prefer to see Henry before tonight? At least come to some sort of agreement for tonight? I mean I'm not asking you to settle things just yet, but I mean it would be easier to decide on something so that we can give Edith her day."

"Yea, I think it would be best. I actually wrote him something, I was wondering if you could take it to him?" she said, and pulled out of her pocket a letter that she had folded up before handing it to me. "It's not sealed, you can read it if you want."

"Oh no, it's too personal. Some would say my being here right now is officious already," I said, putting the letter in my purse so I would remember about it.

"I really appreciate you being here, for moral support you know. I like knowing that there is someone there who will support me, even if it's with a decision only I can make."

"Don't sweat it. I know what it means to have someone there, and I know how it feels when there's no one there." My words were just too true.

We left that discussion at that, and instead started to talk about the baby that was on it's way. Jane wanted to have a daughter so that she could spoil her and treat her like a princess, she even took out some magazines about interior decorating for kids' rooms, and we chatted away, circling things that looked really cute, and even suggesting names for boys and girls. I knew that this is what Jane would have wanted to be doing with Henry, but she seemed so interested in the child that it was as if she forgot all about Henry.

***

"Jane wanted me to give you this," I handed Henry the folded up letter. He looked at me strangely before hesitantly taking it from my hands. "You should be glad that she still wants to maintain contact with you after everything."

"I've been stupid, I know, it's just that—" he began. I placed a hand on his shoulder so he would stop talking.

"Why don't you just tell her yourself? Read the letter first, it might change the way you see things, I know letters to be enlightening things," I said before going back upstairs to find John.

His car was in the driveway, and I was right to assume that he would be there. He had to be there, the wedding rehearsal was only two hours away, and we needed to get ready.

"Where did you go?" he asked as soon as I stepped into the room. He sounded just like I had when I asked him the same question, and I would have laughed at the irony of the situation if it wasn't for the fact that he was actually talking to me again.

"Why does that matter, I came back didn't I?" I glared at him. Just because he was talking to me again didn't mean we had completely forgiven each other just yet.

"It matters because I was worried about you," he said, and I could swear that I saw him blush for about a millisecond.

"Worried? How do you think I felt when you decided to disappear yesterday?" I said, so we were getting everything out there huh?

"I came back didn't I?" was his rejoinder, but his mocking me was telling me something more here.

"No. The John I know never came back. "

"Because I have changed so much Margaret," he spat out sarcastically. "What about you? I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I've changed, I admit it, but the John I know would have listened to whatever explanation I had to give for changing. The John I know would have asked me to talk, even when I didn't want to talk because he would know that I would feel much better in the end. The John I know would have tried to get to know me again. The John I know would have expressed some sort of interest in knowing that my feelings for him might be more than feelings that friends should have for one another."

"Your feelings for him?" he looked at me wide-eyed, and I couldn't believe I had just said that.

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A/N: **REVIEWS are much appreciated!!!!!!!

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	11. Chapter 11: You Don't Have To

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South."_**

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**Chapter 11: You Don't Have To**

Shit. Shit. Shit. I stood there, my mouth open, John staring at me, urging me to speak. But I couldn't. How could I have blurted such a thing out? I swear there is no filter between by brain and my mouth.

"Damn it Margaret!" Not the words I was expecting, but sure.

"What?!"

"Say something!"

I was silent. I wanted to talk, but so far his reactions had revealed nothing about the way he felt about me. Could you blame me for doubting?

Instead I just looked at him. His face had become expressionless once more, and I felt like I was losing him, and he wasn't even mine to lose.

"I don't want to talk about it." I looked away.

"You're ashamed of it, aren't you?" Never!

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?'

"I need to get ready, we only have two hours," I tried to go past him, but he grabbed my wrist, gently but resolutely, turning me in a tango-like move until I was pressed against his chest and his arms were holding me in place so I couldn't escape.

"I'm not going to let you go until you tell me," he whispered into my ear, and I felt shivers run down my spine.

"Let me go John," my voice was so cold for a moment I wondered who had spoken, for the little voice in my head was telling him to hold on forever.

"No Margaret, I'm not going to let you go, you can kick and scream all you want but it won't help matters. We're going to talk this through. You wanted John so bad, well he's here now and you have to deal with him. Now talk."

"There's nothing to talk about John!" I pushed myself away from him. _You'll only end up hurting him_.I didn't deserve him; he deserved someone better.

"Of course there is!"

"No, there isn't! I've made a fucking mess of things John! I came here, thinking that I was strong enough to face Henry and his fiancée, but I'm the one who's gotten screwed over!"

I was choking back tears. I didn't want to cry, I was strong, or at least I had a right to think I was strong.

"I was so caught up in making his life hell that I forgot about the other people involved. So when I did finally open my eyes I felt like shit, because you weren't there to guide me through the blinding light. But who know what sucks about it? I can't blame you, because I'm the one who pushed you away. I brought you here without telling you the truth, and you decided to stay, what more could I ask for?

"Don't you see why that's a problem John? You've been my friend this whole time, yet I was never there for you. I was never there because I was afraid. Because the last time I gave so much for someone they didn't care. I was so afraid that I couldn't see that how much I loved you, how I couldn't bear losing you. If you weren't mine, then how could I? How could I possibly ask you to love me?" by this time the tears were falling down my face.

"You didn't have to."

"What?"

"You don't have to ask, Margaret," he placed his hand on my chin and lifted my head up so I that I was looking into his eyes, those green eyes that haunted my dreams. "You don't have to ask for me to love you, I always have and always will."

"Then how come you never…" I was so confused!

"Do you think I could? You never showed any interest in me, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship by expressing feelings towards you that you couldn't return. I waited so fucking long to hear you say that you love me, and, I'll be damned, it was worth every fucking second," by this time we had been backing into the wall until I was practically pressed against it and yet John was still leaning into me.

"I don't deserve you," I murmured, but I couldn't pull myself away from his gaze. I was mesmerized by that look in his eyes that I could now recognize as love. I knew that he loved me, but why was it so hard for me to believe him?

"Margaret."

"Hm?"

"Shut up." And he kissed me. It was perfect.

Well besides the fact that I had been crying and there were tears all over my face and I was suddenly reminded of the kiss between Harry and Cho and I knew that I should be thinking about kissing John back but I couldn't.

As much as I wanted to let myself go, I new that if I kissed him it would mean that I was winning a prize for coming in last place, and a consolation prize is worse than no prize at all.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't."

"What the fuck Margaret!"

"I can't do this while my I can hardly understand my feelings." This made him angry, and he backed away from me. I watched him as he ran a hand through his dark hair, before he approached me again.

"Your feelings Margaret? Haven't you ever stopped to think about mine? You decide to tell me you love me, and even after I tell you that I've been waiting to hear those words you decide to let me drown in my suffering when you can easily reach out and save me? You say you've changed, but you know what Margaret? I think you're the same as you've always been."

I was hurt. One moment he was telling me how much he loved me, and the next he was telling me as was immature? Did he really love me as much as he claimed? Or was it just me and my stupidity?

Oh what had I done?

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**A/N: **And just when you thought it was safe! Ha! I'm going to go jump off a cliff now, better kill myself before any of you do. REVIEW please!


	12. Chapter 12: Stag Stinks Pt 1

**A/N**: Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, but college is really taking up my time right now and I don't have as much time to write as I would like. I even have another exam tomorrow, and we already have to be choosing classes to take for the next quarter when this one isn't even finished yet! But please enjoy!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South" _**

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**Chapter 12: Stag Stinks – Pt. 1**

I opened my mouth to speak, but just then there was a knock on the door. It was Julia.

"I was wondering if I could get a ride with both of you?" she looked at me, John was sitting at the edge of the bed with his back to the door.

"Yeah, no problem," I forced a smile before she went on her way. We only had an hour to get ready, so I closed the door and headed for the bathroom. John didn't even look up at me.

I stepped out of the bathroom, and John was still sitting on the bed, his head in his hands.

"John?" I asked tentatively, we had to get to the church soon. He didn't even budge. "John?"

He stood up, and didn't even look at me before heading out the door. What was with him?

"John, we have to get to the church!" I told his back, and he stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at me, his eyes as cold as ever.

"I am aware of that, I'll be waiting in the car." And he continued down the stairs.

I stormed back into the room, I was angry, at myself and at him. He was right, during this whole thing I had not stopped to consider his feelings, and I had hurt him. But now we were both acting immature.

I grabbed my purse and heels and followed him out the door where he was already waiting for me in the car with Julia. I climbed into the front seat, an awkward silence immediately enveloping the car. I spent half the car ride looking out the window and avoiding looking at John.

"Did you see Jane today?" Julia asked, her attempt to break the silence an obvious but welcome distraction.

"Yeah, I saw her this morning. And she gave me a letter to give to Henry," I said, turning in my seat to look at Julia, John in my peripherals. He had a stern look on his face, one hand on the steering wheel and the other playing with a shiny metal looking thing.

"Maybe that's why Henry was so worried about the rehearsal. I wonder what was in it?"

"I don't know, but Jane told me that she would try to act mature about it at least until after the wedding, she doesn't want to ruin anything for Edith."

"I sure as hell hope that she doesn't take Henry back, I love my brother but lately I don't know what's gotten into him. He's been weird about stuff, I guess the stress of school had finally caught up to him."

"Hm…" I said noncommittally, we had arrived at the church and John parked in front. I could see my parent's car in the parking lot and I hoped they wouldn't notice that something was up between John and me.

"Oh I think I see my cousin!" Julia said from the backseat before climbing out. "Thanks for the ride John!"

"Julia said she would arrange a ride back for both of you," John said just as I turned to open the door.

"What? You're not staying?" What was going on? Why the hell did I bring him then?

"Well it's not like I really need to be there," he shrugged. Jerk!

"What am I supposed to tell everyone? I had a date earlier this week but he decided to ditch me?" I asked; I couldn't believe him!

"Make something up, I think you're pretty good at lying by now," he mumbled, it was as if he was forcing himself to say these words. And I could see his knuckles turn white as he squeezed the shiny object before putting it in his pocket.

"If you had wanted to leave then why didn't you leave earlier!" I practically yelled at him before getting of the car and slamming the door shut on him. He had to mention lying again!

I turned just in time to see him driving around the corner; I could almost feel my heart breaking again. So this was the way it ended huh? He was going to abandon me like that, driving off like some cliché scene in a movie. He was so annoying!

I made myself regain some sort of calm before heading towards the entrance of the church where many people were already gathering.

"Margaret, come meet my cousin, he's your partner for tonight," Julia said, her arm on some guy's arm, her cousin I guessed,

"Hi," I smiled at him. "I'm Margaret Hale, Edith's cousin."

"Nick Lennox," he extended his hand, which I eagerly shook. He wasn't too bad looking. "Julia's, Ryan's and Henry's favorite and sexiest cousin."

Julia and I laughed; Nick was definitely going to make this night go so much better, even without John. Who needed John's sarcastic sense of humor when one had Nick? Right?

"Nick, are you scaring your partner away already? We just got here," a very pretty woman came up and slipped her hand into his.

Nick just laughed, "Of course not dear, why would I do that?"

I must have had a confused look on my face because Julia burst out laughing.

"Margaret, this is Daisy, Nick's wife," Julia explained and everything made sense now. So much for hanging out with Nick the whole time, I was going to be a loner after all.

"Nice to meet you," Daisy smiled at me before we shook hands.

"Margaret honey!" my mom came up to me and hugged me.

"Hi mom," I said in as cheerful as a voice as I could muster.

"Where's John?" she asked, looking around. I could feel something in the pit of my stomach. Something akin to guilt; I guess subconsciously I knew that it was my fault that John had decided to leave.

"He had to… um…" shit, I had to come up with something quick. "He had some business to attend to and had to go back to Sacramento."

"Business? What business could be more important than being with you?" Nick and Daisy were looking at me funny now, and I could feel my cheeks burning up. It was obvious that my mother expected something from John.

"Family business. He runs his family business," I said, which wasn't entirely untrue, I remember there were times when he had to go meet his mom about their family business, a publishing company or something.

"Pity, I would have liked to get to know him better," my mom didn't question me about him further and I breathed a sigh of relief.

***

Inside I saw that Jane was talking to Henry. From Henry's body posture I could tell that something was up, he was tense, but Jane seemed pretty confident in her stance.

Soon Henry was called away by Ryan and I had my chance to approach Jane.

"Jane! How are you?" I asked, and we kissed each other's cheeks.

"Margaret, I'm so glad to see you. Thanks for giving Henry the letter," she smiled at me and I was sure that if anyone looked at us they would never guess that we had an ounce of trouble in our lives, let alone our love lives.

"I saw you talking to him…" I suggested the topic, not sure if it was my place to talk about it anymore than she wanted to.

"Oh yes, we agreed to act as normal as possible for now and discuss things later at home."

"It's good that you could both come to an agreement," I said, but I couldn't help but notice how similar her agreement to put up a show with Henry was similar to the failure of a show John and I had put up. I was amazed though that she had mentioned them talking things over at _home_. Did that mean she was considering letting him come back?

"Yes, it would be best for now," she shrugged. Oh Jane, I wish I could shrug things off like that.

"Margaret, you have to come see this guy," Julia came over and grabbed my arm while I grabbed Jane's arm and pulled her with us.

"Is he really that hot?" I asked, I wonder who it could possibly be considering that the wedding rehearsal was just supposed to be for family members that were participating in the ceremony.

"He's gorgeous!" Julia pointed out an auburn-haired guy that was, indeed, gorgeous. Even though he was wearing dress clothes he still had a sort of rocker look to him. I couldn't help but wonder what John would look like if he tried that look.

I shook my head of thoughts of John. If he wasn't going to think of me, I wasn't going to think of him.

"Who's he?" Jane asked, she was ogling him as much as Julia was.

"Ryan's best friend from college and one of his groomsmen, a.k.a., Jane's partner for the ceremony," Julia was blushing just at the thought of him.

"Lucky you," I nudged Jane in her ribs and winked conspiratorially. We both knew that Julia was completely into him and would have traded places with Jane in a heartbeat. "He's not married or anything?"

"Not to my knowledge," Julia said, as she watched the yet nameless groomsman talk to Ryan.

"Maybe he's gay," Jane suggested, and if looks could kill, the look that Julia gave Jane at that instance would have certainly done just that. I couldn't help but laugh. Way to steal the girl's thunder. I just laughed.

"Where are my bridesmaids?" I heard Edith's shrill voice over the low sound of people conversing.

"Edith!" I called my cousin's name. She looked really pretty tonight, and I wondered if she could get any more beautiful. She just had to inherit those good genes.

"There you are! Hurry, we need to get into place, and we need to start so that we can leave on time otherwise the food will get cold and…" Edith was blabbering on and Jane and I just looked at Julia. Julia rolled her eyes before assuming her role as maid of honor and calming Edith down.

"Let's get into our places then, shall we?" I wrapped my arm around Jane's arm as we followed Julia and Edith.

***

The wedding rehearsal went on quite smoothly. Of course there was Ryan's grandmother who insisted upon walking down the aisle, which slowed down the procession a good deal until it was decided that she would lead everyone by starting at the middle.

When it was time to get over to the wedding rehearsal dinner, I managed to find Julia. I didn't even consider asking my parents for a ride because I knew that they had come over with my aunt.

"So, um, John said you were arranging a ride for us?" I asked nervously, she was already talking to Will, the formerly nameless groomsman.

"Oh yeah, Will here offered to drive us over," Julia smiled at me before smiling up at Will who was a good foot taller than she was.

"Thank you, my date had some…" I began thanking him, but he put a hand up.

"It's completely fine, don't even worry about it. It just means that I get to enjoy your company," he smiled and I knew that Julia was lucky to get him. It was funny how before Julia had been jealous of John, and now here I was, the green monster in me stirred at the sight of them. And they weren't even dating either!

I sighed, being stag sure did stink!

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**A/N**: Please REVIEW!!!


	13. Chapter 13: Stag Stinks Pt 2

**A/N: **Hey everyone! Sorry if it seemed like I disappeared from the face of the earth, but I have seriously been busy with college, I have an exam almost every week! Here is the next installment. We are pretty much done, only one more chapter to go! And maybe an epilogue, maybe! After this I promise to return to "Thornton and Margaret" and "West and East."

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South."

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**Chapter 13: Stag Stinks - Pt. 2**

I pushed the food around my plate with my fork. I doubted I could keep anything down at the moment, my stomach hurt as it was.

I heard a laugh and looked up to see Julia laughing with Will. The car ride had been interesting. I had sat in the back while Julia and Will kicked it off. I hardly spoke two words together with them; it was nauseating really.

I sighed and put my fork down. It was no use trying, I couldn't help but feel John's absence. Where was he?

I got up from my seat and decided to go sit outside in the garden, what difference did it make if I was around people or not when I felt lonely as hell?

I sat on the stone garden bench and looked up at the sky. I smiled at the small number of stars that I could see, got to love LA's light pollution.

"Hey," I saw Julia coming towards me, a margarita in each hand.

I nodded in acknowledgment and took the drink she offered me before she sat down beside me. She downed hers in one gulp but I just stared at my drink. I didn't want to numb the pain, I wanted to feel it. I wanted to feel just how much John really meant to me, and I wanted to know that it was my idiocy that had pushed him away. I laughed inwardly at how emo my thoughts were, but I didn't care. It's okay to feel that way sometimes right?

"Alright, 'fess up," Julia said out of the blue.

"What?"

"What happened between you and John earlier today? What's been happening between you two?" she stared at me, and I could feel my resolve breaking.

"Don't worry about it, it's my burden to bear," I shrugged.

"Don't go all metaphorical on me now. Just tell me. I want to hear your side of the story."

"My side of the story?" Did she know?

"I know your dirty little secret, there's no use trying to hide now." John doesn't talk to me, and yet he feels comfortable enough to entrust Julia with our—my secret?!

"When did you talk to him?" It was quite a shocker.

"Um… the day you spent at Jane's. It seemed like he really needed someone to lend an ear, and I'm not one to say no to a handsome face." I glared at her. "I didn't do anything! Besides, I wouldn't get anywhere from what he told me; made it damn clear."

"What did John tell you?" I tried to stay calm. I had trusted John. Maybe we didn't know each other as well as we thought we had.

"Oh you know, that you guys aren't really dating, how you bribed him into pretending that he was, how he loves you more than you could possibly know… Stuff," Julia let the last part of her small speech die off as I stared at her in amazement.

"Fuck," was all I could say.

"You can say that again. The poor boy is absolutely smitten with you."

"Then why isn't he here?" I said exasperated.

"I'm willing to bet that you chased him away," Julia looked me straight in the eye.

"I'm horrible. I don't even know what to do anymore, I want him to be near me so much but I'm afraid that I'll just end up hurting him more than I already have. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't mind never seeing my face again," I groaned, slapping my forehead with my empty hand.

"Why do you keep fighting him? Why do you keep fighting yourself? Seriously Margaret, just stop and go with it for once. If it doesn't work out, well then at least you'll know that you tried it. Better than what you're feeling now."

"And what is that?"

"Regret." Spot on Julia.

I groaned. "He doesn't want to talk to me though. He's stubborn, especially when he doesn't want to do anything, and I'm sure talking to me is one of those things that he doesn't want to do."

"Well you'll just have to show him that you can be as stubborn as he can." There was too much truth in her words.

"He's probably half-way to Sacramento by now though," I felt like crying. I was an emotional wreck, and I wasn't even PMS-ing.

"I don't know about that," Julia shrugged, as if she knew something more. "But what's the use of having a cell phone when you won't even use it. On second thought, something like this should be done in person. I'm sure making him wait a while will also show him just how much he really does love you."

"He won't decide to move on?"

"Girl, from the way he spoke about you to me, that's not likely to happen," Julia placed a hand over my hand and I knew that she had a point. "Well I have to get back to Will now." She winked at me before getting up.

"Julia, wait!" I said. She turned.

"Huh?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, I like a happy ending like the next chick," and she went back inside.

Okay, so I had messed up. Bad. But maybe this was John's way of making me feel how much I really cared for him. And it sure as hell did work. It had been easy for me to say that I couldn't be with John when I had him around, but with the knowledge that he wasn't around I knew that it was impossible for me to live without John.

I took a deep breath and went back inside. I had to stay strong, then I would face John.

After the dinner Edith returned to her mother's house so that she could keep up the tradition of the groom not being able to see his bride until they were at the altar. Not that she had honored any other tradition.

Julia and I returned with Ryan to his house and we would go to my aunt's house the next morning to help Edith for her big day.

Surprisingly Henry went back with Jane. I was taken aback, but she assured me that they had a few things to talk over and that he would most definitely be sleeping on the couch that night. She wasn't going to forgive him very easily, that is if she forgave him at all.

***

That night I tossed and turned. The bed felt so big without John there, that in the end I decided to get up early.

I knew that Edith was going to be very nervous today so it would help me keep my mind off John.

"Julia are you ready?" I knocked on her door and when she opened it she was still in her pajamas. "Why aren't you ready Ms. Maid-of-Honor?"

"Damn Margaret, one would think that you were the one getting married. Let me just grab my dress and then we can head over there," she threw me the keys to Edith's car. "Warm up the car will you?"

***

"Smile!" A flash. I blinked away the stars and let my mouth relax. We had been taking pictures for what seemed forever and we still had the actual wedding ceremony to go through. Not to mention the reception.

"Julia, what time is it? Are we on schedule? I don't want to worry Ryan," Edith was saying as she moved her bouquet from one hand to the other.

Julia rolled her eyes. "Don't worry Edi, everything will be fine. The limo is here, so we just have to get into it and drive and then you'll live happily every after with your prince in your kingdom."

Jane and I looked at each other and laughed, Julia was having way too much fun mocking Edith, who was none the wiser because she kept giving Julia bait.

"Julia, I don't think that's the job of the maid of honor. You're supposed to make Edi feel better, not poke at her," Jane reprimanded Julia, but it was easy to see that Jane found it amusing.

"No one cares about me except Ryan!" Edith pouted, her shoulders sagging and her face looking up to the sky.

"That's why you're marrying him honey," I rubbed Edith's back. "Now suck it up and look pretty, Ryan doesn't want to see you like that, might change his mind."

That sobered Edith up in an instant and we all climbed into the awaiting limousine to be carried off to the church.

It wasn't until we got to the church that I let my mind wander back to John. I missed him so much and it hadn't even been a day. I had it, and I had it bad.

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**A/N: **PLeaSe ReVieW!!!! I know there are some of you out there who added this to Story Alert or Favorites and don't even leave me a comment, phooey! But thanks to all of you who do!


	14. Chapter 14: Lovers

**A/N: **Last chapter!!!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South." (Or those words which I borrowed from Radiohead's "house of cards")_**

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**Chapter 14: Lovers**

"I now pronounce you, husband and wife. Mr. Lennox, you may now kiss the bride." I managed to snap out of my reverie just in time to hear those binding words. I glanced over to the newly married couple and their Kodak moment.

Both of them looked so incredibly happy, and I knew that all they needed in their lives was each other. What else could they possibly want when they knew that they would be spending the rest of eternity with the one person they loved?

Would John ever consider sharing all of eternity with me?

Yes. He had considered, at one point. Now I wasn't so sure.

The thought brought a pang of guilt to my heart but I wasn't allowed to wallow in that feeling for long because the photographer was already calling us to attention for the camera.

***

By the time we got to the reception I had been smiling for so long I was sure that I couldn't make my mouth do anything else, the muscles were clenched tight into that position.

"Oh Margaret dear, I know that you're happy for your cousin, but I would think that you would be more upset that a certain someone wasn't here with you." I rolled my eyes at my mom's words. Way to rub salt into the wound. I had managed to avoid conversation with anyone beyond the common courtesies until now.

"It's fine mom, John and I have had plenty of time together. One day apart won't kill us," I wanted to believe what I was saying, but I knew that with every hour that passed without knowing where John was or if he was thinking of me was killing me, little by little.

"If you say so dear, I must save Ryan before your father gives him another lecture," she nodded her head towards the corner, where sure enough, my father looked as if he were to embark on another one of his lectures that I had endured as a child—something I did not miss, I assure you.

I nodded in acquiescence as she made her way through the crowd. I glanced around before I spotted Jane talking with Henry. Henry was red in the face and I knew that he had been drinking.

I rushed over as quickly as I could, "Jane, what's going on?"

Jane's eyes were red, but it looked more like they were red in anger than anything else. "Nothing Margaret, Henry here was just about to leave me alone and enjoy the party like a proper groomsman."

I looked over at Henry who was trying his best to stand upright. I met his glazed gaze head on. "Then he wouldn't mind if I borrowed you for this next dance?"

"Of course not," Jane grabbed my wrist and dragged us onto the dance floor.

"So can you tell me what that was about?" I asked Jane as we were lost amidst the crowded dance floor.

"Henry is being a douche."

"Apart from that?" I said, trying my best to hold in my laughter. Since when did Jane curse? Henry sure did have a knack for bringing out the worst in people.

"We're officially broken up," she said, and showed me her ring-less finger as if to prove to me that she wasn't lying. My eyes opened wide.

"You're not lying," I said, making sure to close my mouth while I was at it. As much as I had expected this it still came as a shock.

"Nope. Henry still thinks I am though. The guy couldn't see the truth if it was stuck up his—"

"I get the picture," I stopped Jane before she completely lost all her innocence. "Was he trying to convince you otherwise?"

"Yup. He thought that I would be nicer to him around people, but he's wrong. I'm not taking him back; he won't fool me again. His mistress is here, you know that?" Jane whispered conspiratorially.

"Mistress?" Henry was a bigger ass than I thought he was.

"He's been cheating on me with her for five months. I knew it! I just didn't think that he was capable of such a thing, now I don't know what to expect. It's better this way, I can live without him," I could see that Jane was hurt, but she had managed to turn this pain into her form of survival. She was going to pull through this, I could tell.

"Good for you Jane, Henry deserves this for all that's he's done."

"I couldn't agree more."

***

I stood near the stone garden bench, wiggling my toes in the soft grass. I had danced with Jane for the past hour, and my feet were killing me. I could barely hear the music coming from the backyard.

From my position I could see Julia making out with Will on the dance floor, the bride's bouquet in her hand. She had been one happy camper when that thing came flying in her direction. Julia seemed to get her happy ending.

Edith and her prince charming had long since left the reception, who knew where they were or what they were doing.

"Margaret," I heard my name slurred out of someone's mouth, and in an instant I knew who it was.

"What do you want Henry?" I stood tall, turning to face Henry who had come from somewhere near the front door.

He smiled evilly, I had a flashback of our encounter in the guestroom. He wouldn't, would he?

"Nothing much."

"Then you'd better get going," I wanted to grab my heels and go, but I didn't want to let my guard down just to bend over and pick them up.

"I'm not going until you pay for what you've done."

"You're drunk Henry, I haven't done anything and I'm not paying for anything either."

"You took Jane away from me. You poisoned her with your lies!" Henry took a step forward; I took one step back.

"You're wrong. You did all of that yourself. You deceived her even when she loved you. If you're going to blame anyone, blame yourself!" I spat out at him. I couldn't help but notice a parallel between us. I had done the same with John hadn't I?

He let out an evil laugh, one that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"I don't think I could have done it without your help, sweet heart," he made a lunge for me.

It all happened in a second.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for his attack, but next thing I knew I heard a crunch and a moan of pain coming from somewhere at my feet.

I tentatively opened my eyes, not sure of what to expect.

Henry was writhing on the floor, a hand over his nose and face, but I could still see the blood.

I looked up.

My eyes met John's and a flicker of understanding passed between us. A second later he had closed the distance between us and my fingers were tangled in his hair.

If breathing wasn't essential for life I was sure that we wouldn't have torn our lips from each other. But as it was we finally broke apart, and he rested his forehead against my own, whispering, "Never again."

"I love you John," was all I managed to get out before I broke out into tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of every emotion imaginable.

I didn't care that my make up was smearing or that I was still standing barefoot, or that Henry was losing copious amounts of blood from his nose where John's fist had met it.

John was here, by my side, kissing the life out of me, and that was all that mattered.

***

John and I went back to Sacramento the next day. He gave me the key to his apartment, I was more than happy to move in with him.

Turns out he had never left after dropping me off at the wedding rehearsal. He had simply gone back to the hotel and stayed there, bidding his time. He knew that he couldn't live without me, and thanks to Julia, he knew that I couldn't live without him either.

I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been there at that moment that he was. It still gives me shivers to think about it, though I try not to.

Think of the past only as it's remembrance gives you pleasure, if I may quote a certain author. It's a good motto to live by after all that John and I have gone through, a good motto indeed.

***

It was 8:36 in the morning, Monday morning. It was 8:36! I was supposed to be at work 36 minutes ago! I shot up in bed and tried to get out but an arm was wrapped tightly around my waist.

I couldn't help but smile, even though I was going to be late to work the fifth time this month. I leaned over to his face, and then whispered in his ear, "John, I have to go to work, I'm already late."

His only response was to pull down onto the bed until he had both his arms wrapped around me and he was nuzzling my neck.

I laughed, "Seriously John, I'm late." But I didn't protest any further.

He began pressing kisses to the side of my neck and down my shoulders and I knew it was a hopeless case because I wanted it as much as he did. "You're already late, might as well be really late."

"Mmhhh…" was all I could get out because his mouth took possession of mine, and it was a willing captive.

"I don't want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover."

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The End.

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**A/N: Wow. My first multi-chapter fanfic has officially come to end. Thank you all for sticking with me 'til the end, it really means a lot. Especially ChocolateIsMyDrug who always left me the longest reviews with a tad bit of constructive comments, those are the best kinds of reviews really.**

**So... please humor me one last time and write me a nice LONG REVIEW!!! What did you like? What didn't you like? Where my characters good or OOC? Anything really!**


	15. Chapter 15: Epilogue: Full of Fluff

**A/N: **So this story now has an epilogue. It's long because I had a 5 hour train ride home, and this is what the epilogue became. Please enjoy!

**_Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South."_**

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**Chapter 15: Epilogue: Full of Fluff**

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Not until I say you can."

"I'm going to open my eyes."

"You're acting like such a little kid. Keep your eyes closed."

"I'm opening them in 3… 2…"

"Okay, open them," I stepped back from where I was standing and let John look. He blinked his eyes several times to get used to the sudden rush of light.

"What?"

"Do you like it?" I asked, suddenly unsure of my outfit. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time, now, not so much.

"Its… I…"

"You hate it don't you?" my arms dropped to the sides. I was going to get Julia! She was the reason I had bought the damned thing in the first place!

"No, of course not. If anything, you compliment the outfit. But…" John ran a hand through his hair.

"But?" I raised an eyebrow, John's glazed over look was telling me something more.

In that instant he took off his jacket and wrapped it around me. It was obviously way too big for me and went up to my knees.

"But I think that it's for my eyes only," he said, bringing me into the mold of his arms that I fitted so snuggly into.

"Jealous much?" I said, smiling my best smile.

"You wish," he said before bringing his lips down to meet mine. No matter how many times he kissed me it always felt like a new experience every time. My hands automatically ran through his hair, and his arms wrapped around my waist.

"John, we're going to be late," I smiled against his lips, one of his hands was now tugging at the hem of my dress and the other was running up and down my back.

"I don't want to keep them waiting," I said, but his lips were beginning their cursory trail down my neck and then back up until his lips met mine once more.

"Let them wait," he said in an almost whisper, and I was his.

***

"Damn it John, keep it in your pants for a minute will you? Some of us want to enjoy Margaret too you know," Julia's voice greeted them as they entered the hallway of the Lennox residence half an hour after they were expected.

"Calm down Julia, there was traffic," I said, before giving her a hug. That girl was just too crazy.

"Not from what your boy toy there tells me," she laughed, and I just turned in time to see John wink at her. I poked him in the ribs where I knew he was ticklish, "You're such a guy."

"Thank you for reaffirming my masculinity," he smiled and I glared at him playfully. Damn him and his charms.

"Come on, everyone's getting impatient already. And I'm sure little Betty wants to open her presents now," Julia grabbed my arm and dragged me into the living room letting John walk in behind us.

The living room was decorated with a ton of tiny flickering lights and the Christmas tree in the corner was huge. But there were plenty of presents underneath just begging to be opened. And on one of the couches sat Jane, cradling her child that was only a few months old.

"Jane!" I was so happy to see her. "And this must be Elizabeth, may I?"

"Of course!" Jane said and she carefully moved her daughter from her arms to mine.

"She's so tiny!" I said looking into the face of the sleeping angel in my arms. And to think that her father was… Well it didn't matter now. Jane had prided herself in being able to go through the pregnancy with no man at her side. Julia had helped her many times, and I only wished I could have been there physically too, but seeing as I lived with John in Sacramento it was impossible to be there all the time. John often humored me and drove me down to Los Angeles to see them all, but it just wasn't the same. I hadn't seen them since a week before the actual birth, it seemed that young Elizabeth had been a little reluctant to come into the world.

"But she's growing," Jane said, coming to my side and looking at the child. I knew that Jane was a good mother, and if I hadn't known it before it was plain to see by the gleam of love that poured out of her eyes as she looked upon her child. It was heart warming really.

And then Elizabeth opened her eyes. I assume that it was due to the fact that she awoke to the face of a complete stranger, but I had never heard a baby wail as loud as that.

"She must be hungry, I'll take her now Margaret," Jane said before I eagerly left Elizabeth to her expert hands. "Hush, hush now sweet one, mommy is here."

John came and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "Want one?"

"Huh?" I said, not really paying attention to his words as I looked upon the peaceful scene of a mother with her child.

"I said you want one? It'll be my pleasure to make one with you love," he whispered into my ear.

"Ugh, yeah, right," I rolled my eyes at his statement.

"We'll have fun, I promise," he smiled.

"I'm not having any kids until there's a ring, right…" I said, looking at him and pointing to my ring finger, "there."

"We'll have to remedy that now, won't we?" he said, his voice still a whisper.

I couldn't help but smile. I had never really thought about spending the rest of my life with John by my side, but it wasn't a thought I hated. In fact, I had never thought about spending my life with anyone else, I guess that when I thought about the future I just assumed that he would be there by my side.

"Yes we will," I said smiling up at him. He was gorgeous, and I knew what I wanted for Christmas. I just wanted him. That would be the best present by far, even better than the Barbie Dream House that my parent's had bought me when I was in the third grade. I had my Ken right here, no pretending.

He smiled back at me before he got down on one knee.

I gasped, was he really? "John, not here." I wanted this to be special, our own little moment, not in the living room of my cousin's house.

"What?" he said, looking up from his place on the floor, "I'm just tying my shoe."

"Jerk!" I said and I flicked his forehead with my finger, he just laughed. Really? Why would he do that?

"Oh, you thought I was going to, oh," he said, smiling and rubbing his forehead where my finger had met it, but I knew he was just playing games with me. How stupid of me to forget his ridiculous sense of humor.

"Dinner is served," Edith said gracefully as she emerged from the kitchen and I just ignored John.

"Edith, so good to see you," I said as I hugged her and gave her a peck on the forehead.

"What was that for? Weirdo," she said wiping off her brow.

"That apron," I pointed at her chest where the words 'Kiss the Chef' were printed on the fabric.

"Ah," she smiled before John greeted Ryan.

"How's the married life treating you?"

"Run now while you still have the chance, you do, don't you?" Ryan joked back, sending me a nod of the head. Did they have to be so stereotypical?

"I don't know, I'm surprised she untied me off the leg of the bed for this, I guess you're right," John said, pretending to scratch his chin in thought. Ooh was he going to get it later.

"Nice to see you too Ryan," I rolled my eyes.

"Don't worry John, if you ever decide to marry my cousin at least you and Ryan will have each other," Edith patted John on the back playfully.

"_If_, _if_ is good," John quoted Disney's Hercules, a movie we had watched curled up on his couch.

"Yeah, _if_ we sit down now then maybe the food will still be warm. Now _if_ we don't then nobody will get to open their presents tonight, I'll make sure of that," Julia said from her seat at the dining table that was decorated festively. The food looked delicious.

"I don't know about you, but I want to open my presents tonight," Jane said as she took a seat at the table beside Julia.

***

"So how's business up there, everything working out fine?" Ryan and John were continuing their conversation at one end of the table, and as I sat beside John I talked with the girls I had missed these past months.

"What's his name?" Jane was questioning Julia, Edith was looking at her expectedly.

"Wait, you broke up with William again?" I asked, they had been dating on and off since the wedding. But apparently this time Julia had moved on.

"Yup, I dumped that sucker for Andrew, real swell guy," Julia was saying.

"I thought you guys had something for sure," I said, taking a bite out of my food.

"Nah, I guess I just wasn't feeling the fire like you and John feel it," Julia smiled back at me mischievously.

"So when are you guys tying the knot?" Jane whispered conspiratorially across the table. Edith shook her head enthusiastically, her mouth full of food.

"I don't know," I shrugged, and at that moment John's hand was finding mine under the table. I didn't help him either, not until he opened my hand with his so that he could interlock our fingers. Why did he make it so hard for me to stay mad at him?

"But you've thought about it, right? I mean it's only a matter of time before-" Edith began to say.

"He's right here ladies," I said, raising my voice above the whisper we had been talking in.

"Yeah, but don't think I wasn't listening to both of you earlier in the living room. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but come on," Jane smiled, Julia absolutely beamed. I just blushed.

"Well it's not like I haven't thought about it. But it's his move to make," I made an almost imperceptible shrug of my shoulders.

"Don't make this so hard on him again though, because if you do, I swear, I'll drive up to Sacramento and strangle you until you take him out of his misery," Julia shook a finger at men, it was quite funny.

"What do you mean? I love John too much do something like that to him," I said, squeezing his hand under that table.

"Um, hark, last year? Making it so difficult for both of you to be together when it was perfectly clear that you were meant to be," Julia pointed her fork at me; I was quite intimidated.

"I…" I began, but I knew that Jane and Edith, especially Edith, hadn't heard the whole story. I had told them that John and I were pretending at the beginning but that eventually we realized that we liked each other and decided to make it real. It seemed plausible to them, they understood.

"What?" Jane gaped.

"Girl talk, living room, now. Ryan, you keep John in here or you're sleeping on the couch tonight," Edith said standing from the table and warning Ryan, "And I don't care that it's Christmas."

Julia smiled at me before dragging me into the living room.

"Spill," Jane said as they gathered around me, little Betty was still fast asleep in her basket.

"I grew up, what else could I say?" I really didn't want to talk about these things, I had fixed things with John, we were fine now.

"Please?" Edith begged, she was good at getting what she wanted.

"Okay, okay, I'll talk," and Edith clapped her hands together in excitement, earning herself a glare from Jane who looked over at the fast asleep Elizabeth. "Well as you know, Henry and I didn't really end our relationship on the brightest note. I seriously thought I was in love with him for those years that passed. When I came for the wedding I had no intention of hurting anyone, I really just wanted Henry to at least feel some regret over losing me, but how could he when he had you, Jane? Then I realized he was messed up already, but by that time Jane and John had both already been hurt and I felt like a complete piece of shit, sorry Betty. When I told John about my feelings for him, he was more than happy to love me back. But I was insecure, I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved because I hadn't contributed back much love to the people around me. I felt like I had to give a little to get a little, you know? I couldn't let myself be happy when other people weren't, and I was still afraid of getting my heart broken again. But then I found that we all deserve a second chance at love, maybe sometimes we won't find it in the right places, but that doesn't mean we have to give up."

"Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself," Julia sighed dreamily.

"Yeah, I lived it didn't I?" and I survived it. Hell I would do it all again so long as I knew that John would be there for me in the end.

***

"So what did you girls talk about?" John asked me as we walked with our fingers interlocked. We were walking through a park. Most people were inside with their families, but we enjoyed the lights their adorned houses offered us.

We had left Edith's house shortly after opening a few presents and drinking more eggnog than one person should drink.

"Nothing in particular, who know, which guys we thought were cute and what not," I smiled cheekily at him. "Girls don't share their gossip with guys, you know that. Code of honor sort of thing."

He raised his eyebrows but he smiled anyway.

"You haven't given me my present yet," I pretended to pout, having him here by my side was present enough.

"You'll get it, it's just really big and I didn't want you to open it here, or else how would we get it back?"

"Uh-huh, sure. I bet you didn't even buy me a present."

"I have the other years, what makes this any different?"

"Just saying, boyfriends think that they can just pretend they forgot."

"I never forget."

"I believe you," I pecked his lips before running into the openness of the park. The park was on a hill, and because it had rained earlier that day the sky was smog free and the city blinked prettily.

"Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean that you can act like a little kid," John said as he reached me and softly tackled me to the ground. It was damp, but we didn't care.

"The trick to growing up is never growing old," I kissed his nose. Boy was he handsome.

"I lied."

"About what?"

"Your present."

"You forgot?"

"Nope."

"What?"

"It's a big deal, but it can fit in my pocket."

"Gross."

"You're the one thinking it. But it's not that."

"What then?"

"Close your eyes and keep them closed."

"Is this to get back at me for earlier? I made it up to you didn't I?"

"Yes you did, and no it's not. Just close your eyes."

"Fine," I did as I was told, but it was annoying. Now I understood his impatience. He grabbed by hand and kissed it. "Now?"

"Yes."

It seemed to reflect all the light coming from the city. I could only gasp.

"Margaret, will you marry me?" John asked, flashing his best smile. I kissed him.

"Yes, yes, yes!" I mean what else could I say?

***

He slipped the ring onto my finger.

I was looking at him so intently, happiness just threatening to burst out of me. I completely blanked out until I heard those words.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Thornton."

That day, that day I married John, was the day my life became complete.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? Please leave me a nice review!!!

PS. Please check my profile for the a new one-shot that I published recently, lots of fun, I promise! ;)


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